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Happy  Memorial Day - A Time To Remember

Memorial Day, a day of remembrance for all Americans killed in war. Originally called Decoration Day, it was instituted in 1868 for those killed in the Civil War. After World War I it was amended to the current national holiday on the last Monday in May. Here are two Memorial Day Poems by Del "Abe" Jones.

MEMORIAL DAY 

A time for picnics, time off work - Vacations and the "Indy" - A holiday, too often times we forget what it should be.

A time to pay respect to those who rallied to the battle cry - Who gave their lives for liberty - Those freedoms for you and I.

Such a waste of brave young souls - Some still struggling through their youth who faced and fell willingly before wartimes' awful truth.

So as we share this holiday with our friends and family - Take a moment to give thanks to those who died so we'd stay free.

Let us strive for world peace - for the end of greed and hate - for next time, after "the war" it just may be too late.

FREEDOMS' MEMORIAL 

This day is set aside to honor those who took the chance to die.

But they have died in vain if we ever forget the reason why.

Freedom can be like time slipping away before we even know.

But we all have the choice more, a duty to battle freedoms' foe.

Let us give thanks this day to all those brave who paid the highest cost.

Not take it for granted and realize it easily could be lost.

Tribute To Our Veterans - Click

Friday - 9-11-09 - In Memory of the September 11th, 2001

Here's a poem by Pat M: September 11, The Year 2001, A Day of Tragedy in The Golden Sun

Not just one life was shattered and torn
Thousands no longer will be as when born
�
Our country, a place we can be free
Was shattered and torn for all to see
�
Frozen in time, planes crashing, a total of four
Taking lives, heroes, and just folks, forever more
�
But we are Americans and will fight back
Against this evil and horrendous act
�
No one can bury or kill our Nation so strong
We will rebuild, in steel, concrete and with song.
�
You can't take us down, from land or flights above
We are Americans and will defend this land we love.
�
So while we mourn and pray for lives lost
For heroes trying to save others no matter the cost
�
We will rebound and remember to fear us, yes you must
Because we are Americans on our land and In God we Trust.
�
By Pat M
September 12, 2001

Friday - 7-3-09 - Tomorrow is the 4th of July - Happy Birthday America!

The colors of our Flag: . RED stands for hardiness and courage, WHITE is the symbol of purity and innocence, and BLUE is the color of vigilance, perseverance and justice.	Happy Fourth of July Holiday! Let's enjoy our family and friends, beer, hot dogs and apple pie, but please remember not to drink and drive. Have a designated driver so that we can all be safe and ready for work on Monday. Please remember! DON'T DRINK and DRIVE!
FREEDOM IS NOT FREE! I watched the flag pass by one day. It fluttered in the breeze. A young Marine saluted it, and then he stood at ease. I looked at him in uniform So young, so tall, so proud, He'd stand out in any crowd. I thought how many men like him Had fallen through the years. How many died on foreign soil? How many mothers' tears? How many pilots' planes shot down? How many died at sea? How many foxholes were soldiers' graves? No, freedom isn't free.	I heard the sound of taps one night, when everything was still I listened to the bugler play And felt a sudden chill. I wondered just how many times That taps had meant "Amen," When a flag had draped a coffin Of a brother or a friend. I thought of all the children, Of the mothers and the wives, Of fathers, sons and husbands With interrupted lives. I thought about a graveyard At the bottom of the sea Of unmarked graves in Arlington.. No freedom isn't free. By LCDR Kelly Strong, USCG~

Monday - 5-25-09 - Memorial Day, A Time To Remember

Today is Memorial Day, a day of remembrance for all Americans killed in war. Originally called Decoration Day, it was instituted in 1868 for those killed in the Civil War. After World War I it was amended to the current national holiday on the last Monday in May. Here are two Memorial Day Poems by Del "Abe" Jones.

MEMORIAL DAY 

A time for picnics, time off work - Vacations and the "Indy" - A holiday, too often times we forget what it should be.

A time to pay respect to those who rallied to the battle cry - Who gave their lives for liberty - Those freedoms for you and I.

Such a waste of brave young souls - Some still struggling through their youth who faced and fell willingly before wartimes' awful truth.

So as we share this holiday with our friends and family - Take a moment to give thanks to those who died so we'd stay free.

Let us strive for world peace - for the end of greed and hate - for next time, after "the war" it just may be too late.

FREEDOMS' MEMORIAL 

This day is set aside to honor those who took the chance to die.

But they have died in vain if we ever forget the reason why.

Freedom can be like time slipping away before we even know.

But we all have the choice more, a duty to battle freedoms' foe.

Let us give thanks this day to all those brave who paid the highest cost.

Not take it for granted and realize it easily could be lost.

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Friday - 5-22-09 - Memorial Day Weekend - Have a Safe and Happy Memorial Day Weekend, And, Please, Don't Drink and Drive!

"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down his life for his friends."
~John 15:13~

In the United States, Memorial Day is on the last Monday in May and honors Americans who gave their lives
for their country in wars.

FREEDOM IS NOT FREE.

I watched the flag pass by one day.
It fluttered in the breeze.
A young Marine saluted it,
and then he stood at ease.
I looked at him in uniform
So young, so tall, so proud,
He'd stand out in any crowd.
I thought how many men like him
Had fallen through the years.
How many died on foreign soil?
How many mothers' tears?
How many pilots' planes shot down?
How many died at sea?
How many foxholes were soldiers' graves?
No, freedom isn't free.

I heard the sound of taps one night,
when everything was still
I listened to the bugler play
And felt a sudden chill.
I wondered just how many times
That taps had meant "Amen,"
When a flag had draped a coffin
Of a brother or a friend.
I thought of all the children,
Of the mothers and the wives,
Of fathers, sons and husbands
With interrupted lives.

I thought about a graveyard
At the bottom of the sea
Of unmarked graves in Arlington..
No freedom isn't free.

By LCDR Kelly Strong, USCG~

Monday - 5-18-09 - Meat - What The Meat Industry Doesn't Want You To See

CAUTION!  VERY DISTURBING VIDEO! - CLICK

Monday - 1-5-09 - The Month After Christmas

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist. 
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

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Friday - 1-2-09 - Happy New Year! - OUR BEST WISHES TO YOU AND YOURS IN THE NEW YEAR!

Promise Yourself in 2009:

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only the best, to work only for the best and expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

The Optimist Clubs Of America

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PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE!

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Monday - 11-10-08 - Tomorrow is Veteran's Day

Please, let's all take time - think about the sacrifices and the ultimate price our Veterans paid for the freedom we all enjoy today! Tribute To Our Veterans - Click

September 11, 2008 Tribute to 911 Victims and Heroes! - USS New York

Monday - 2-18-08 - IRS Office Visit

Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by another man. The IRS guy assumed the other man was Ralph's attorney. Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income.

How do you explain that?" 

Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win." 

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.

"I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" 

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." 

Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." 

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!" 

Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it. 

The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." 

The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet. 

Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye. 

The stunned official was now three grand in the hole! 

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. 

"I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and pee into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between." 

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again! 

Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk. 

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! 

But then he noticed that Ralph's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking. "Are you okay?" he asked. 

The man replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty-thousand dollars he'd pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

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Wednesday - 2-13-08 - Tomorrow is Valentine's Day - Here's a Good One!

A little boy comes home from first grade and tells his father that he learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "As Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get angry at me for giving someone a valentine?"

The father thinks for a moment and then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," the boy says.

"Why Osama ," his father asks in disbelief.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd jump with joy. And then he'd go all over and tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Father's heart swells and he looks at his son with newfound pride and joy.

"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines can shoot him."

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Wednesday - 1-23-08 - COMPUTER VIRUS ALERT!!!

PLEASE FORWARD THIS WARNING AMONG FAMILY, FRIENDS  AND CONTACTS:

You should be alert during the next days:

Do not open any message with an attached file called "Invitation" 
regardless of who sent it. It is a virus that opens an Olympic Torch which 
"burns" the whole hard disc C of your computer.

This virus will be received from someone who has your e-mail address in 
his/her contact list, that is why you should inform all your family, friends and
contacts.

If you receive a mail called "Invitation", though sent by a friend, do not 
open it and shut down your computer immediately!

This is the worst virus announced by CNN, it has been classified by Microsoft as the
most destructive virus ever!

This virus was discovered by McAfee, and there is no repair yet 
for this kind of virus. This virus simply destroys the Zero Sector of the 
Hard Disc, where the vital information is kept.

NOTIFY EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

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Monday - 1-21-08 - Over 35?

People over 35 should be dead. Here's why:

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets,... and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets!

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

Horrors!

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. NO CELL PHONES!!!!!

Unthinkable!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.

We had friends!

We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

They were accidents.

No one was to blame but us.

Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.

Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.

Horrors!

Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own.

Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law.

Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them!

Congratulations!

Friday - 1-18-08 - The Moral of The Story

A teacher gave her 5th grade class an assignment: They were to have their
parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class,
and one by one, told their stories:

Little Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and have
hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to
market on the front seat of the pickup truck and we hit a big bump in the
road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything." 
And what is the moral to that story?" 
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
"Very good," said the teacher. 

Then little Tammy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But
we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once, but when
they hatched, we got only ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is,
don't count your chickens before they are hatched." 
"That was a fine example, Tammy.

Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next."

"Yes Ma'am. My daddy told me that my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in
Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory
and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She
drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed
right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them
with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more
with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare
hands." "Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher.

"What did your daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

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Wednesday - 1-16-08 - Breakfast at a Fast-Food Restaurant

This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until the end!

I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree. The last class I had to take was Sociology. The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.

Her last project of the term was called, "Smile." The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions. I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway. So, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally.

Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son and I went out to a popular Fast-Food Restaurant one crisp March morning. It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son. We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did.  I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.

As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body" smell, and there standing behind me were two poor, homeless men. As I looked down at the short gentleman close to me, he was "smiling". His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance. He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins he had been clutching. The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation. I held my tears as I stood there with them. The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted. He said, "Coffee is all, Miss" because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm). Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes.

That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were s

 breakfast meals on separate tray. I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand.

He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Thank you."  I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope."  I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope." We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give. We are not church goers, but we are believers. That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love. I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand. I turned in "my project" and the instructor read it.  Then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share this?"  I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class. She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed.

In my own way I had touched the people at the Fast-Food Restaurant,  my son, instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student. I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn: UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.  LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.

An Angel wrote:  Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. To handle yourself, use your head. To handle others, use your heart. God gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw i

et on me, judging my every action. I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two moret into its nest.

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Monday - 1-14-08 - Square Testicles

An elderly woman walked into the a national Bank one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank!'

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Friday - 1-11-08 - Drafting Guys over 60 ---- obviously written by a former soldier , Marine or Sailor

New Direction for the war on terrorists.

"Send Prior Service Vets over 60 "

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!" We are impatient, and maybe letting us kill the enemy that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. 

Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11th. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night.

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Monday - 1-7-08 - Gates vs. GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

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Wednesday - 1-2-08 - OUR BEST WISHES TO YOU AND YOURS IN THE NEW YEAR!

Promise Yourself in 2008:

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only the best, to work only for the best and expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

The Optimist Clubs Of America

 

Monday - 12-31-07 - Happy New Year!  New Year 1995

Comments Made in the New Year 1955:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business." 
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood." 

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

---

Monday 12-24-07 - MERRY CHRISTMAS

This poem was written by a Marine.

T'was the night before Christmas...................

T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
SANTA DON'T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS.

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP.
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, CARRY ON SANTA, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE.

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT
MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

This poem was written by a Marine. The following is his request. I think it is reasonable....

Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our U.S. service men and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us. Please, do your small part to plant this small seed.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND OUR U.S. SERVICE MEN AND WOMEN!!
THANK YOU

---

Wednesday - 12-12-07 - Sure-fire signs there's trouble on the job:

1. The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo.
2. The Security guard made a complete inventory of your work area.
3. Your assistant starts responding to your memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
4. I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail instead of a chime.
5. Your boss asks if you still have a copy of your five-year contract.
6. You notice your co-workers measuring your cubicle when you arrive at work.
7. Your parking space is moved next to the Dumpster.
8. Your secretary says things like, "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
9. Your boss asks you to write a desk manual for your job.
10. The LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
11. A large paper recycling box is placed next to your file cabinets.
12. The receptionist asks "Who?" when anyone calls on you.
13. My new Pentium was replaced with a 286 last weekend.

---

Monday - 12-10-07 - TIPS ON PUMPING GAS (Good information - But Not Verified)

Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products plays an important role. A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.

When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode. If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high. In slow mode you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money.

One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF FULL or HALF EMPTY. The reason for this is, the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space. Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation. Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount.

Another reminder, if there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up--most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.

Hope this will help us all get the most value for our money.

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Wednesday - 12-5-07 - If you lock your keys in the car - this seems to work!

Locked your keys in your car ?

If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone on your (or someone else's) cell phone.

Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the other person at your home press the unlock button of your key fob (clicker), holding it near the phone on their end. Your car doors should unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you.

Distance is no object you could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, it should unlock the doors (or the trunk!).

Editor's Note * It works fine! We tried it out, and it unlocked our car over a cell phone!)

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Monday - 12-3-07 - The Bounced Check

Dear Bank Manager:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing repayment.
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:

"Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for"

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.

As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Sincerely,

Your Humble Client

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Friday - 7-31-09 - Want To See Men Fly - REALLY  FLY.... Watch This!

Click Here - Then click on the TV screen when it shows

Friday - 11-30-07 - Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. 

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. 

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. 

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. 

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. 

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. 

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. 

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. 

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table 
and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. 

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy. 
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. 
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy. 

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy," 
but why have you only ordered beer all evening?" 

You're gonna LOVE me for this.... 

The third piggy says - 

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

---

---

Monday - 11-26-07 - How To Stay Young (by George Carlin)

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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Friday - 11-16-07 - Super Salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

"One", he replied.

"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$91,237.64", the young man replied.

"What the in world did you sell????"

"Well, I sold a guy a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. �Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said 'down at the coast', so I told him he was gonna need a boat; so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said: "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The kid says: "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

---

Wednesday - 11-14-07 - Delivering a Bridge

A trucker driving along on the freeway notices a road sign in the distance that reads 'Low Bridge Ahead.' 

Sure enough, the trucker gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police officer arrives at the scene. The cop gets out of his cruiser and walks around to the truck driver. He puts his hands on his hips and remarks, "Looks like you got stuck, huh?" 

The trucker replies sarcastically, "No, officer, actually I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas!"

---

Friday - 11-9-07 - Well-said Tony Blair

In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the anti-American sentiment and negativity, we should remember England's Prime Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent interview.

When asked by one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America, he said:

"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in ... And how many want out."

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you:

1. Jesus Christ

2. The American G. I.

One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

---

Wednesday - 11-7-07 - Life is Not Fair - Get Used To It!

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. 

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. 

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. 

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. 

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity. 

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. 

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. 

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. 

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time. 

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually 
have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. 

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

---

Monday - 11-5-07 - Corporate Fitness Program

When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resources manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one. They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck!"

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Friday - 11-2-07 - NEW VIRUS ALERT!! (TRUST ME......THIS ONE YOU MUST READ)

Please read this!!! This is INCREDIBLY important!!!!!

If you receive an e-mail entitled "Bedtimes, " delete it IMMEDIATELY! READ ON.

Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.  It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.  It will drink ALL your beer.

ARE YOU LISTENING??  It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!

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Wednesday - 10-31-07 - What You Eat

For those of you who watch what you eat...Here's some thoughts on nutrition and health, and all those conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies, cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Apparently speaking English is what kills you.

---

Monday - 10-29-07 - 8th Grade Education

Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education? Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895? (LOOK CLOSELY... THAT'S EIGHTEEN NINETY-FIVE!):

*****************************************

Grammar (Time, one hour)

1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph.
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of "lie," "play,"' and "run."
5. Define case; Illustrate each case.
6. What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

*****************************************

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)

1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3,942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, Deducting 1,050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6,720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

********************************************

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)

1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849,1865.

*******************************************

Orthography (Time, one hour) (WHAT IS THIS ANYHOW?)

1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u.' (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

*********************************************

Geography (Time, one hour)

1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

The exam took SIX HOURS to complete.

Gives the saying, "He only had an 8th grade education," a whole new meaning, doesn't it?

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Friday - 10-26-07 - Truckers Having Lunch

Several truckers are having lunch at a truck stop. A cell phone on a bench rings and a trucker engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
    
    TRUCKER: "Hello"
    WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you with your friends?"
    TRUCKER: "Yes"
    WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
   TRUCKER:  "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
    TRUCKER:  "How much?"
    WOMAN: "$60,000"
    TRUCKER: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....
                    The house we wanted last year is back on the market.
                    They're asking $950,000."
    TRUCKER: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
    TRUCKER: "Bye, I love you, too."
     
The trucker hangs up. The other truckers are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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Wednesday - 10-24-07 - Credit Card Scam

Note, the callers do not ask for your card number; they already have it. This information is worth reading. By understanding how the VISA & MasterCard Telephone Credit Card Scam works, you'll be better prepared
to protect yourself.

The scam works like this: Person calling says, "This is (name), and I'm calling from the Security and Fraud Department at VISA. My badge number is 12460. Your card has been flagged for an unusual purchase pattern, and I'm calling to verify. This would be on your VISA card which was issued by ( name of bank). Did you purchase an Anti-Telemarketing Device for $497.99 from a Marketing company based in Arizona ?" When you say "No", the caller continues with, "Then we will be issuing a credit to your account. This is a company we have been watching and
the charges range from $297 to $497, just under the $500 purchase pattern that Flags most cards. Before your next statement, the credit will be sent to (gives you your address), is that correct?"

You say "yes". The caller continues - "I will be starting a Fraud investigation. If you have any questions, you should call the 1- 800 number listed on the back of your card (1-800-VISA) and ask for Security.

You will need to refer to this Control Number. The caller then gives you a 6 digit number. "Do you need me to read it again?"

Here's the IMPORTANT part on how the scam works. The caller then says, "I need to verify you are in possession of your card." He'll ask you to "turn your card over and look for some numbers." There are 7 numbers; the first 4 are part of your card number, the next 3 are the security Numbers' that verify you are the possessor of the card. These are the numbers you sometimes use to make Internet purchases to prove you have the card. The caller will ask you to read the 3 numbers to him.

After you tell the caller the 3 numbers, he'll say, "That is correct, I just needed to verify that the card has not been lost or stolen, and that you still have your card. Do you have any other questions?" After you say, " No," the caller then thanks you and states, "Don't hesitate to call back if you do", and hangs up.

You actually say very little, and they never ask for or tell you the Card number. But after we were called on Wednesday, we called back within 20 minutes to ask a question. Are we glad we did! The REAL VISA
security Department told us it was a scam and in the last 15 minutes a new purchase of $497.99 was charged to our card.

Instead, tell them you'll call VISA or Master card directly for verification of their conversation. The real VISA told us that they will never ask for anything on the card as they already know the information since they issued the card! If you give the scammers your 3 Digit PIN Number, you think you're receiving a credit. However, by the time you get your statement you'll see charges for purchases you didn't make, and by then it's almost too late and/or more difficult to
actually file a fraud report.

What makes this more remarkable is that the next day we got a similar call representing to be with 
Master Card" with a word-for-word repeat of the VISA scam. This time we didn't let him finish. we hung up! Then filed a police report, as instructed by VISA. The police said they are taking several of these reports daily! They also urged us to tell everybody we know that this scam is happening.

Please pass this on to all your family and friends. By informing each other, we protect each other.

---

Monday - 10-22-07 - The Laws of Work!

---

Friday - 10-19-07 - Hi-Tech Guy Walks Into A Bar...

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy replies, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

"That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.

By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy.

The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall with his pants pulled down. "Oh my!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says, "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

---

Wednesday - 10-17-07 - Spaghetti

A wealthy businessman was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby is born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

---

Monday - 10-15-07 - A Good Moral to Live by...

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up! Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.


NOW --------

Enough of that . . .

The donkey later came back and beat the crap out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

---

Friday - 10-12-07 - Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no
fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things,

Then you are probably the family dog.

---

Wednesday - 10-10-07 - Ghost story

This is reported to be a true story which took place in the little town near Bemidji in northern Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it seems to be true.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passed slowly and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Reflexively, the guy got into the car and closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and he would plunge to his death, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with terror, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, and told everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was apparently sane and not drunk.

About half an hour later Ole and Lena walked into the same bar. Ole says to Lena, "Look Lena, dat's da guy dat rode in our car ven ve vas pushin it in the rain."

---

Monday - 10-8-07 - What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

IF:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 

is represented as: 
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. 

THEN: 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% 

AND

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% 

BUT, 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% 

AND, 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% 

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. 

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

---

Friday - 10-5-07 - My New Wife

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

---

Wednesday - 10-3-07 - The Old Rancher

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.

The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

---

Monday - 10-1-07 - Perfect Worker - Employment Reference

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without

3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

5. finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13. executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

---

Friday - 9-28-07 - Top 10 ways weddings would be different if Men made the decisions...

10. Rehearsal dinner at the local sports bar!
9. Bridesmaids wear matching blue jean cutoffs and halter-tops.
8. Tuxes have team logos on the back.
7. June weddings scheduled around basketball playoffs.
6. Vows mention cooking and sex specifically.
5. Kiss the bride-get punched in the face.
4. Dance with the bride-get punched in the face.
3. Big, slobbery dogs eligible for best-man role.
2. Tailgate reception!
1. Wedding ceremony at the stadium at half time.

Wednesday - 9-12-07 - The Loan

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.

The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest." The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow? The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Wednesday - 9-5-07 - Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably 
the greatest political sage this country has ever known.

Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee 
on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.  The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Monday - 9-3-07 - Divorced Barbie

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift.

So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie.
Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:

Gymnasium Barbie: $19.95
Volleyball Barbie: $19.95
Shopping Barbie: $19.95
Surfer Barbie: $19.95
Disco Barbie: $19.95
and
Divorced Barbie: $299.95

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all the
other Barbies are $19.95?"
Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewelry
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend...

Friday - 8-31-07 - Management Speak and Translation

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting. TRANSLATION: I disagree.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you. TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility. TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this. TRANSLATION: This is awful.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand. TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business. TRANSLATION: You're an idiot.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here. TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary? TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources. TRANSLATION: You're working weekends.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer. TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this. TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this project. TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats. TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work. TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no-brainer. TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm glad you asked me that. TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal. TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision. TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: There are larger issues at stake. TRANSLATION: I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you. TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees. TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.

Wednesday - 8-29-07 - Exercise - Stay In Shape

Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape. 

You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.

NOW SCROLL DOWN... 

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

KEEP GOING...

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

KEEP GOING...

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

KEEP GOING...

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

NOW SCROLL UP...

OK, that's enough for the first day.

Monday - 8-27-07 - Deal With An Irate Customer - This is hilarious!!!!

I wish I had the guts of this girl. For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. An award should go to the Airline gate agent for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.

Friday - 8-24-07 - Our FHA Loan

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Admin) loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and
God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"

The loan was approved.

Wednesday - 8-22-07 - Four Animals

A college teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says". The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The girl said, "A mink on my back,

a jaguar in the garage,

a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted!!

Monday - 8-20-07 - You Might Not Ever Guess

Captain Kangaroo passed away on January 23, 2004 as age 76 , which is odd, because he always looked to be 76. (DOB: 6/27/27 ) His death reminded me of the following story.

Some people have been a bit offended that the actor, Lee Marvin, is buried in a grave alongside 3 and 4 star generals at Arlington National Cemetery . His marker gives his name, rank (PVT) and service (USMC). Nothing else. Here's a guy who was only a famous movie star who served his time, why the heck does he rate burial with these guys? Well, following is the amazing answer:

I always liked Lee Marvin, but didn't know the extent of his Corps experiences.

In a time when many Hollywood stars served their country in the armed forces often in rear echelon posts where they were carefully protected, only to be trotted out to perform for the cameras in war bond promotions,  Lee Marvin was a genuine hero. He won the Navy Cross at Iwo Jima There is only one higher Naval award... the Medal Of Honor.

If that is a surprising comment on the true character of the man, he credits his sergeant with an even greater show of bravery.

Dialog from "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson": His guest was Lee Marvin Johnny said, "Lee, I'll bet a lot of people are unaware that you were a Marine in the initial landing at Iwo Jima ..and that during the course of that action you earned the Navy Cross and were severely wounded."

"Yeah, yeah... I got shot square in the bottom and they gave me the Cross for securing a hot spot about halfway up Suribachi. Bad thing about getting shot up on a mountain is guys getting' shot hauling you down. But Johnny, at Iwo I served under the bravest man I ever knew... We both got the cross the same day, but what he did for his Cross made mine look cheap in comparison. That dumb guy actually stood up on Red beach and directed his troops to move forward and get the hell off the beach. Bullets flying by, with mortar rounds landing everywhere and he stood there as the main target of gunfire so that he could get his men to safety. He did this on more than one occasion because his men's safety was more important than his own life.

That Sergeant and I have been lifelong friends. When they brought me off Suribachi we passed the Sergeant and he lit a smoke and passed it to me, lying on my belly on the litter and said, where'd they get you Lee?' Well Bob.. if you make it home before me, tell Mom to sell the outhouse!" Johnny, I'm not lying, Sergeant Keeshan was the bravest man I ever knew. The Sergeant's name is Bob Keeshan. You and the world know him as Captain Kangaroo."

On another note, there was this wimpy little man (who just passed away) on PBS, gentle and quiet. Mr. Rogers is another of those you would least suspect of being anything but what he now portrays to our youth. But Mr. Rogers was a U.S. Navy Seal, combat-proven in Vietnam with over twenty-five confirmed kills to his name. He wore a long-sleeved sweater on TV, to cover the many tattoos on his forearm and biceps. He was a master in small arms and hand-to-hand combat, able to disarm or kill in a heartbeat.

After the war Mr. Rogers became an ordained Presbyterian minister and therefore a pacifist. Vowing to never harm another human and also dedicating the rest of his life to trying to help lead children on the right path in life. He hid away the tattoos and his past life and won our hearts with his quiet wit and charm.

America's real heroes don't flaunt what they did; they quietly go about their day-to-day lives, doing what they do best They earned our respect and the freedoms that we all enjoy.

Look around and see if you can find one of those heroes in your midst. Often, they are the ones you'd least suspect, but would most like to have on your side if anything ever happened Take the time to thank anyone that has fought for our freedom. With encouragement they could be the next Captain Kangaroo or Mr.Rogers.

Friday - 8-17-07 - Good Words to Remember...

Standing for what you believe in, regardless of the odds against you, and the pressure that tears at your resistance, �means courage. 

Keeping a smile on your face, when inside you feel like dying, for the sake of supporting others, ...means strength.

Stopping at nothing, and doing what's in your heart, you know is right, ...means determination.

Doing more than is expected, to make another's life a little more bearable, without uttering a single complaint, ...means compassion.

Helping a friend in need, no matter the time or effort, to the best of your ability, ...means loyalty. 

Giving more than you have, and expecting nothing in return,...means selflessness. 

Holding your head high, and being the best you know you can be when life seems to fall apart at your feet, facing each difficulty with the confidence that time will bring you better tomorrow's, and never giving up, ...means confidence.

(Unknown Author).

Wednesday - 8-15-07 - Crabby Old Man

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Tampa, Florida , it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, 
They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that
Copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Missouri . The old man's sole bequest to Posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide Presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, Poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this "anonymous" poem winging across the Internet.

Crabby Old Man

What do you see nurses?..... What do you see?
What are you thinking.... .. when you're looking at me? 
A crabby old man,...... not very wise,
Uncertain of habit....... . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food....... and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice..... "I do wish you'd try!" 
Who seems not to notice...... the things that you do.
And forever is losing ........ A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not........lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding..... .. The long day to fill? 
Is that what you're thinking?... .... Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse...... you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am.......... As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding,.... .... as I eat at your will. 
I'm a small child of Ten....... with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters..... who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen..... ..... with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now......... . a lover he'll meet. 
A groom soon at Twenty...... ... my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows........ that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now......... . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide....... And a secure happy home. 
A man of Thirty...... ... My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other....... With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons....... have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me........ to see I don't mourn. 
At Fifty, once more,....... ... Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children.... ... My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me.......... My wife is now dead.
I look at the future...... ..... I shudder with dread. 
For my young are all rearing..... .. young of their own.
And I think of the years...... And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man......... and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age..... look like a fool. 
The body, it crumbles.... ...... grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone....... . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass..... . A young guy still dwells,
And now and again...... my battered heart swells. 
I remember the joys........ ...... I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living...... ....... life over again.

I think of the years.... all too few...... gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact........ that nothing can last. 
So open your eyes, people..... open and see..
Not a crabby old man. Look closer.... see........ ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within..... we will all, one day, be there, too!

Monday - 8-13-07 - What Were They Thinking?

1. Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

2. A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the car phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the classifieds and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

3. I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

Friday - 8-10-07 - Did you know...

That Albert Einstein applied to the Federal Polytechnic Academy in Zurich but flunked the entrance exam. When his father asked his headmaster what profession Albert should adopt, he got the answer, "It doesn't matter, he'll never amount to anything." For years Einstein thought of his work in physics as a hobby. He regarded himself as a failure because what he really wanted to do was play concert violin.

Wednesday - 8-8-07 - Dead Boss

A guy phones up his boss' house, but gets the boss' wife instead. He asks to speak to her husband.

"I'm afraid he died earlier today," she says.

The next day, the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you," the wife replies, "he died yesterday."

The next day, he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time, the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I've already told you twice that he died. Why do you keep calling?"

"Because," he replies, laughing, "I just love hearing it!"

Monday - 8-6-07 - Cool Things About Being a Guy

1. Your last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
5. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
6. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
7. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
8. You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near you.
10. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 20 minutes.

Friday - 8-3-07 - BE CAREFUL & ALERT ! ! ! ! 

PLEASE BE ALERT - AND TELL YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS..

This is something that happened to someone on the way back from 
vacation last spring. They didn't think much of it until now. The reason 
they were a little suspicious is they had been riding in a jeep all day with 
100 degrees temps and they stopped at a truck stop for something to 
drink. When they were leaving, a young girl followed them out and asked 
what kind of cologne he was wearing.

Well, after 7 hours in the car sweating, he didn't' think she could tell he was or was not wearing any 
cologne. He just got in the jeep and said no thanks.

Then it was about 3 weeks ago, he was at a service station in
Birmingham getting gas. It was about 9:30 pm. He was approached 
by 2 men and 2 women in a car. The man that was driving asked him
'What kind of perfume do you wear? He was a bit confused and asked
him 'Why?' He said, 'We are selling some name brand perfumes, at cheap prices.'

He said he had no money. Then they reached out of the car and 
handed him paper that was laminated, it had many perfumes on it.
He looked quickly at it and gave it back, and said, he have no money. 

They said it is OK, we take check, cash, or credit cards. He just got in his car and said no thanks.

Then he received this e-mail and it sent chills up his spine.

Please read this. It is no joke. Here is the e-mail
It was sent

Dear Friends:

I know not all of you are women that I am sending this to, but 
am hoping you will share this with your wives, daughters, mothers,
sisters, etc.

Our world seems to be getting crazier by the day. Pipe bombs 
in mailboxes and sickos in parking lots with perfume. Be careful. 

I was approached yesterday afternoon around 5:30 PM in the Walmart 
parking lot by two males asking what kind of perfume I was wearing. 
Then they asked if I'd like to sample some fabulous scent they were 
willing to sell me at a very reasonable rate. I probably would have 
agreed had I not received an e-mail warning of a "Wanna smell this neat 
perfume?" scam. The men continued to stand between parked cars, I guess to 
wait for someone else to hit on. I stopped a lady going towards them, 
pointing at them and told her about how I was sent an e-mail at work 
about someone walking up to you at the malls or in parking lots and 
asking you to SNIFF PERFUME that they are selling at a cheap price.

THIS IS NOT PERFUME . . . IT IS ETHER!

When you sniff it, you'll pass out. They'll take your wallet, 
your valuables and heaven knows what else. If it were not for this 
e-mail, I probably would have sniffed the 'perfume' but thanks to the
generosity of an e-mailing friend, I was spared whatever might 
have happened to me. I wanted to do the same for you.

PLEASE PASS THIS ALONG TO ALL YOUR WOMEN FRIENDS AND PLEASE BE 
ALERT AND BEWARE. LET EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS!

Wednesday - 8 -1- 07 - Prescription

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide? The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license. Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Monday - 7-30-07 - You Might Not Ever Guess

Captain Kangaroo passed away on January 23, 2004 as age 76 , which is odd, because he always looked to be 76. (DOB: 6/27/27 ) His death reminded me of the following story. 

Some people have been a bit offended that the actor, Lee Marvin, is buried in a grave alongside 3 and 4 star generals at Arlington National Cemetery . His marker gives his name, rank (PVT) and service (USMC). Nothing else. Here's a guy who was only a famous movie star who served his time, why the heck does he rate burial with these guys? Well, following is the amazing answer:

I always liked Lee Marvin, but didn't know the extent of his Corps experiences.

In a time when many Hollywood stars served their country in the armed forces often in rear echelon posts where they were carefully protected, only to be trotted out to perform for the cameras in war bond promotions, Lee Marvin was a genuine hero. He won the Navy Cross at Iwo Jima There is only one higher Naval award... the Medal Of Honor.

If that is a surprising comment on the true character of the man, he credits his sergeant with an even greater show of bravery.

Dialog from "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson": His guest was Lee Marvin Johnny said, "Lee, I'll bet a lot of people are unaware that you were a Marine in the initial landing at Iwo Jima ..and that during the course of that action you earned the Navy Cross and were severely wounded."

"Yeah, yeah... I got shot square in the bottom and they gave me the Cross for securing a hot spot about halfway up Suribachi. Bad thing about getting shot up on a mountain is guys getting' shot hauling you down. But Johnny, at Iwo I served under the bravest man I ever knew... We both got the cross the same day, but what he did for his Cross made mine look cheap in comparison. That dumb guy actually stood up on Red beach and directed his troops to move forward and get the hell off the beach. Bullets flying by, with mortar rounds landing everywhere and he stood there as the main target of gunfire so that he could get his men to safety. He did this on more than one occasion because his men's safety was more important than his own life.

That Sergeant and I have been lifelong friends. When they brought me off Suribachi we passed the Sergeant and he lit a smoke and passed it to me, lying on my belly on the litter and said, where'd they get you Lee?' Well Bob.. if you make it home before me, tell Mom to sell the outhouse!" Johnny, I'm not lying, Sergeant Keeshan was the bravest man I ever knew.  The Sergeant's name is Bob Keeshan. You and the world know him as Captain Kangaroo."

On another note, there was this wimpy little man (who just passed away) on PBS, gentle and quiet. Mr. Rogers is another of those you would least suspect of being anything but what he now portrays to our youth. But Mr. Rogers was a U.S. Navy Seal, combat-proven in Vietnam with over twenty-five confirmed kills to his name. He wore a long-sleeved sweater on TV, to cover the many tattoos on his forearm and biceps. He was a master in small arms and hand-to-hand combat, able to disarm or kill in a heartbeat.

After the war Mr. Rogers became an ordained Presbyterian minister and therefore a pacifist. Vowing to never harm another human and also dedicating the rest of his life to trying to help lead children on the right path in life. He hid away the tattoos and his past life and won our hearts with his quiet wit and charm.

America's real heroes don't flaunt what they did; they quietly go about their day-to-day lives, doing what they do best They earned our respect and the freedoms that we all enjoy.

Look around and see if you can find one of those heroes in your midst. Often, they are the ones you'd least suspect, but would most like to have on your side if anything ever happened Take the time to thank anyone that has fought for our freedom. With encouragement they could be the next Captain Kangaroo or Mr.Rogers.

Friday - 7-27-07 - Questions and Answers About Men (by a woman having fun!)

Q What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

A Shoot him again.

Q Why do little boys whine?

A Because they're practicing to be men.

Q How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q What do you call a handcuffed man?

A Trustworthy.

Q What does it mean when a man's in your bed grasping for breath and calling your name?

A You aren't holding the pillow down hard enough.

Q Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

A Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

A Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. 

Q What is the difference between men and women?

A A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q How does a man keep his youth?

A By giving her money, furs, and diamonds.

Q How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Wednesday - 7-25-07 - Make a Difference

"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values; we talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.

We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We have higher incomes, but lower morals; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships.

More leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; fancier houses, but broken homes.

Unknown Author

Monday - 7-23-07 - Selfish Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Friday - 7-20-07 - Inspirational - The Butterfly

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.

Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further. So to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!

Wednesday - 7-18-07 - Lipstick and Cancer

If there is a female you care anything about, share this with her. Share it also with male friends, because they need to tell the females THEY care about as well!

Recently a lipstick brand decreased their prices from $67 to $9.90. It contained lead. Lead is a chemical which causes cancer.

The higher the lead content, the greater the chance of causing cancer.

After doing a test on lipsticks, it was found that a major brand lipstick contained the most amount of lead.

Watch out for those lipsticks which are supposed to stay longer. If your lipstick stays longer, it is because of
the higher content of lead.

Here is the test you can do yourself:

1. Put some lipstick on your hand.
2. Use a Gold ring to scratch on the lipstick.
3. If the lipstick color changes to black, then you know the lipstick contains lead.

This information is being circulated at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Dioxin Carcinogens cause cancer,
especially breast cancer.

Monday - 7-16-07 - Green Bay and Chicago Bears Fans

One foggy night, a Green Bay Packers fan was heading south from Green Bay and a Chicago Bears fan was driving north from Chicago. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.
The Packers fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!" Likewise, the Bears fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The Packers fan walks over to the Bears fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals." The Bears fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends.

In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck." The Bears fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Packer fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Packers fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Packers fan hands it back to the Bears fan and says, "Your turn!" The Bears fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

Friday - 7-13-07 - Before computers...

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy ...

...  you just hoped nobody ever found out!

Wednesday - 7-11-07 - The Year 1906

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!   The year is 1906.  One hundred years ago.  What a difference a century makes!  Here are some statistics for the Year 1906 :

The average life expectancy was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage in 1906 was 22 cents per hour.

The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and 
$4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME.

Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
were condemned in the press AND the government as substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea 
hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A. !

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.>

IT STAGGERS THE MIND, EH ?

Monday - 7-9-07 - Overtime

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

Friday - 7-6-07 - The Boss

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. "I would like to buy a parrot," he says.

The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"

The assistant says, "$2,000."

The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, "This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast."

"What about the green one?" the man asks.

The assistant says, "He costs $5,000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes."

"What about the red one?" the man asks.

The assistant says, "That one's $10,000."

The man says, "What does HE do?"

The assistant says, "I don�t know, but the other two call him boss."

Wednesday - 7-4-07 - (HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!!) - New CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

Monday - 7-2-07 - Make a Difference

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values; we talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.

We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We have higher incomes, but lower morals; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships.

These are the times of more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes.

Friday - 6-29-07 - Job Interview

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box.

Wednesday - 6-27-07 - If you need a laugh then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I,
O, and U

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Monday - 6-25-07 - Bank Account of Memories

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed
each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and
shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.

His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home,
he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.

As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual
description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been 
hung on his window. "I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an 
eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. 

Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or 
not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. 

I already decided to love it. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. 

I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with 
the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for 
the ones that do."

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new
day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.

So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank
account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank.
I am still depositing. Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred. 
2. Free your mind from worries. 
3. Live simply. 
4. Give more. 
5. Expect less.

Friday - 6-22-07 -  This is for you golfers out there!

They stood at the altar, waiting to be married. The bride to be looked down and saw a set of golf clubs beside her new husband's feet. "What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs?" she whispered. "Well," he said, "this won't take all afternoon will it?".

Wednesday - 6-20-07 - TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CO-WORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER...

1. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.
2. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.
3. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
4. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down.
5. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
6. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net."
7. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
8. His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among hobbies.
9. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
10. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In Computer-Science!"

Monday - 6-18-07 - Credit Card Scam - True Story From Someone Who Got Scammed!

We all receive emails all the time regarding one scam or another; but last week I REALLY DID get scammed! Both VISA and MasterCard told me that this scam is currently being worked throughout the Midwest, with some variance as to the product or amount, and if you are called, just Hang up.

My husband was called on Wednesday from "VISA" and I was called on Thursday from "MasterCard." It worked like this:

The person calling says "This is (Any Name) and I'm calling from the Security and Fraud department at VISA. My Badge number is 12460.

Your card has been flagged for an unusual purchase pattern, and I'm calling to verify. This would be on your VISA card issued by your bank. Did you purchase an Anti-Telemarketing Device for $497.99 from a marketing company based in Arizona?"

When you say "No." The caller continues with, "Then we will be issuing a credit to your account. This is a company we have been watching and the charges range from $297 to $497, just under the $500 purchase pattern that flags most cards. Before your next statement, the credit will be sent to
(gives you your address), is that correct?" You say, "Yes." The caller continues..."I will be starting a fraud investigation. If you have any questions, you should call the 800 number listed on your card 1-800-VISA and ask for Security. you will need to refer to this Control #." Then gives you a 6 digit number.

"Do you need me to read it again?" Caller then says he "needs to verify you are in possession of your card. Turn the card over. There are 7 numbers; first 4 are XXXX (DETERMINE WHAT KIND OF CARD IT IS ) the next 3 are the security numbers that verify you are in possession of the card. These are
the numbers you use to make Internet purchases to prove you have the card.

Read me the 3 numbers." Then he says "That is correct. I just needed to verify that the card has not been lost or stolen, and that you still have your card? Do you have any other questions? Don't hesitate to call back if you do."

You actually say very little, and they never ask for or tell you the card number. But after we were called on Wednesday, we called back within 20 minutes to ask a question. Are we glad we did! The REAL VISA security dept. told us it was a scam and in the last 15 minutes a new purchase of $497.99 WAS put on our card.

Long story made short...we made a real fraud report and closed the VISA card and they are reissuing as a new number. What the scam wants is the 3 digit number! and that once the charge goes through, they keep charging every few days. By the time you get your statement, you think the credit is coming,
and then its harder to actually file a fraud report.

The real VISA reinforced that they will never ask for anything on the card (they already know). What makes this more remarkable is that on Thursday, I got a call from "MasterCard" with a word for word repeat of the VISA Scam. This time I didn't let him finish. I hung up.

We filed a police report (as instructed by VISA), and they said they are taking several of these reports daily and to tell friends, relatives and coworkers.

Friday - 6-15-07 - The Company Test!

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications.

In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

Wednesday - 6-13-07 - Potential Juror:

JUDGE: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

JUROR: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

JUDGE: Can't they do without you at work?

JUROR: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Monday - 6-11-07 - Ben Stein's Last Column... 

For many years Ben Stein has written a biweekly column for the online website called "Monday Night At Morton's." (Morton's is a famous chain of Steakhouses known to be frequented by movie stars and famous people from around the globe.) Now, Ben is terminating the column to move on to other things in his life. Reading his final column is worth a few minutes of your time.

Ben Stein's Last Column... (read all of this or you will have missed the best). 

=================================================

How Can Someone Who Lives in Insane Luxury Be a Star in Today's World?

As I begin to write this, I "slug" it, as we writers say, which means I put a heading on top of the document to identify it. This heading is "eonlineFINAL," and it gives me a shiver to write it. I have been doing this column for so long that I cannot even recall when I started. I loved writing this column so much for so long I came to believe it would never end.

It worked well for a long time, but gradually, my changing as a person and the world's change have overtaken it. On a small scale, Morton's, while better than ever, no longer attracts as many stars as it used to. It still brings in the rich people in droves and definitely some stars. I saw Samuel L. Jackson there a few days ago, and we had a nice visit, and right before that, I saw and had a splendid talk with Warren Beatty in an elevator, in which we agreed that Splendor in the Grass was a super movie. But Morton's is not the star galaxy it once was, though it probably will be again.

Beyond that, a bigger change has happened. I no longer think Hollywood stars are terribly important. They are uniformly pleasant, friendly people, and they treat me better than I deserve to be treated. But a man or woman who makes a huge wage for memorizing lines and reciting them in front of a camera is no longer my idea of a shining star we should all look up to.

How can a man or woman who makes an eight-figure wage and lives in insane luxury really be a star in today's world, if by a "star" we mean someone bright and powerful and attractive as a role model? Real stars are not riding around in the backs of limousines or in Porsches or getting trained in yoga or Pilates and eating only raw fruit while they have Vietnamese girls do their nails.

They can be interesting, nice people, but they are not heroes to me any longer. A real star is the soldier of the 4th Infantry Division who poked his head into a hole on a farm near Tikrit, Iraq. He could have been met by a bomb or a hail of AK-47 bullets. Instead, he faced an abject Saddam Hussein and the gratitude of all of the decent people of the world.

A real star is the U.S. soldier who was sent to disarm a bomb next to a road north of Baghdad. He approached it, and the bomb went off and killed him.

A real star, the kind who haunts my memory night and day, is the U.S. soldier in Baghdad who saw a little girl playing with a piece of unexploded ordnance on a street near where he was guarding a station. He pushed her aside and threw himself on it just as it exploded. He left a family desolate in California and a little girl alive in Baghdad.

The stars who deserve media attention are not the ones who have lavish weddings on TV but the ones who patrol the streets of Mosul even after two of their buddies were murdered and their bodies battered and stripped for the sin of trying to protect Iraqis from terrorists.

We put couples with incomes of $100 million a year on the covers of our magazines. The noncoms and officers who barely scrape by on military pay but stand on guard in Afghanistan and Iraq and on ships and in submarines and near the Arctic Circle are anonymous as they live and die.

I am no longer comfortable being a part of the system that has such poor values, and I do not want to perpetuate those values by pretending that who is eating at Morton's is a big subject.

There are plenty of other stars in the American firmament...the policemen and women who go off on patrol in South Central and have no idea if they will return alive; the orderlies and paramedics who bring in people who have been in terrible accidents and prepare them for surgery; the teachers and nurses who throw their whole spirits into caring for autistic children; the kind men and women who work in hospices and in cancer wards.

Think of each and every fireman who was running up the stairs at the World Trade Center as the towers began to collapse. Now you have my idea of a real hero.

We are not responsible for the operation of the universe, and what happens to us is not terribly important. God is real, not a fiction; and when we turn over our lives to Him, He takes far better care of us than we could ever do for ourselves. In a word, we make ourselves sane when we fire ourselves as the directors of the movie of our lives and turn the power over to Him.

I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters. This is my highest and best use as a human. I can put it another way. Years ago, I realized I could never be as great an actor as Olivier or as good a comic as Steve Martin...or Martin Mull or Fred Willard--or as good an economist as Samuelson or Friedman or as good a writer as Fitzgerald. Or even remotely close to any of them.

But I could be a devoted father to my son, husband to my wife and, above all, a good son to the parents who had done so much for me. This came to be my main task in life. I did it moderately well with my son, pretty well with my wife and well indeed with my parents (with my sister's help). I cared for and paid attention to them in their declining years. I stayed with my father as he got sick, went into extremis and then into a coma and then entered immortality with my sister and me reading him the Psalms.

This was the only point at which my life touched the lives of the soldiers in Iraq or the firefighters in New York. I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters and that it is my duty, in return for the lavish life God has devolved upon me, to help others He has placed in my path. This is my highest and best use as a human.

Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will.

By Ben Stein

Friday - 6-8-07 - Paul Harvey Writes - For My Grandchildren:

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. 

For my grandchildren, I'd like better. I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would. 

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated. 

I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. 

And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen. 

It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep. 

I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in. 

I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him. 

When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her. 

I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely. 

On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom. 

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one. 

I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books. 

When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head. 

I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like. 

May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.

May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.

I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah or Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness.

To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you.

And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.

Wednesday - 6-6-07 - The Perfect Wedding!

You gotta love this guy..... This is a true story about a wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!".

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this: Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.....................$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.....$3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui....$8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they saw the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man..........Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.

Monday - 6-4-07 - Train Trip

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women!!!

Friday - 6-1-07 - WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

You have to try this! 

Passing requires just four [4] correct answers 

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? 
2) Which country makes Panama hats? 
3) From which animal do we get catgut? 
4) Month Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 

6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal? 
7) What was King George VI's first name? 
8) What color is a purple finch? 
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 
10) What color is the black box in a commercial airplane? 

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ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 

Passing requires just four [4 ] correct answers 

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 

3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and Horses 

4) Month Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November 

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal? Dogs 

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert 

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson 

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 

10) What color is the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange, of course. 

Wednesday - 5-30-07 - Gift Cards Scam

Well - the crooks have found a way to rob you of your gift card balance.

If you buy Gift Cards from a display rack that has various store cards> you may become a victim of theft. 
Crooks are now jotting down the card numbers in the store and then wait a few days and call to see how much
of a balance they have on the card. Once they find the card is "activated", and then they go online and start 
shopping. You may want to purchase your card from a customer service person, where they do not have the 
Gift Cards viewable to the public. Please share this with all your family and friends... And unfortunately, it is true:
http://www.snopescom/fraud/sales/giftcard.asp.

Wednesday - 5-23-07 - Hotel Keys!

This is a very good message, please read it through and discuss it with family and friends........

Southern California law enforcement professionals assigned to detect new threats to personal security issues recently discovered what type of information is embedded in the credit card type hotel room keys used throughout the industry.

Although room keys differ from hotel to hotel, a key obtained from a well known hotel chain that was being used for a regional Identity Theft Presentation was found to contain the following the information:

a) Customer (your) name 

b) Customer partial home address 

c) Hotel room number

d) Check-in date and check-out date 

e) Customer (your) credit card number and expiration date. 

When you turn them in to the front desk your personal information is there for any employee to access by simply scanning the card in the hotel scanner. An employee can take a hand full of cards home and using a scanning device, access the information onto a laptop computer and go shopping at our expense. 

Simply put, hotels do not erase the information on these cards until an employee re-issues the card to the next hotel guest. At that time, the new guest's information is electronically; "overwritten" on the card and the previous guest's information is erased in the overwriting process. But until the card is rewritten for the next > guest, it usually is kept in a drawer at the front desk with YOUR INFORMATION ON IT.

The bottom line is: Keep the cards, take them home with you, or destroy them. NEVER leave them behind in the room or room wastebasket, and NEVER turn them in to the front desk when you check out of a room. It is likely they will not charge you for the card and you'll be sure you are not leaving a lot of valuable personal information on it that could be easily lifted off with any simple scanning device card reader. 

For the same reason, if you arrive at the airport and discover you still have the card key in your pocket, do not toss it in an airport trash basket. Take it home and destroy it by cutting it up, especially through the electronic information strip.

Monday - 5-21-07 - Good words to remember...

• Standing for what you believe in, regardless of the odds against you, and the pressure that tears at your resistance, �means courage. 
• Keeping a smile on your face, when inside you feel like dying, for the sake of supporting others, ...means strength.
• Stopping at nothing, and doing what's in your heart, you know is right, ...means determination.
• Doing more than is expected, to make another's life a little more bearable, without uttering a single complaint, ...means compassion.
• Helping a friend in need, no matter the time or effort, to the best of your ability, ...means loyalty.
• Giving more than you have, and expecting nothing in return,...means selflessness.
• Holding your head high, and being the best you know you can be when life seems to fall apart at your feet, facing each difficulty with the confidence that time will bring you better tomorrow's, and never giving up, ...means confidence. (Unknown Author).

Friday - 5-18-07 - A DAD'S STORY

On July 22nd I was in route to Washington, DC for a business trip. It was all so very ordinary, until we landed in Denver for a plane change. As I collected my belongings from the overhead bin, an announcement was made for Mr. Glenn to see the United Customer Service Representative immediately. I thought nothing of it until I reached the door to leave the plane and I heard a gentleman asking every male if he were Mr. Glenn. At this point I knew something was wrong and my heart sunk.

When I got off the plane a solemn-faced young man came toward me and said, "Mr. Glenn, there is an emergency at your home. I do not know what the emergency is, or who is involved, but I will take you to the phone so you can call the hospital." My heart was now pounding, but the will to be calm took over. Woodenly, I followed this stranger to the distant telephone where I called the number he gave me for the Mission Hospital. My call was put through to the trauma center where I learned that my three-year-old son had been trapped underneath the automatic garage door for several minutes, and that when my wife had found him he was dead. CPR had been performed by a neighbor, who is a doctor, and the paramedics had continued the treatment as Brian was transported to the hospital.

By the time of my call, Brian was revived and they believed he would live, but they did not know how much damage had been done to his brain, nor to his heart. They explained that the door had completely closed on his little sternum right over his heart. He had been severely crushed After speaking with the medical staff, my wife sounded worried but not hysterical, and I took comfort in her calmness.

The return flight seemed to last forever, but finally I arrived at the hospital six hours after the garage door had come down. When I walked into the intensive care unit, nothing could have prepared me to see my little son laying so still on a great big bed with tubes and monitors
everywhere.

He was on a respirator. I glanced at my wife who stood and tried to give me a reassuring smile. It all seemed like a terrible dream. I was filled-in with the details and given a guarded prognosis. Brian was going to live, and the preliminary tests indicated that his heart was OK, two miracles in and of themselves. But only time would tell if his brain received any damage.

Throughout the seemingly endless hours, my wife was calm. She felt that Brian would eventually be all right. I hung on to her words and faith like a lifeline. All that night and the next day Brian remained unconscious. It seemed like forever since I had left for my business trip the day before.

Finally at two o'clock that afternoon, our son regained consciousness and sat up uttering the most beautiful words I have ever heard spoken. He said, "Daddy hold me" and he reached for me with his little arms.

[TEAR BREAK...smile]


By the next day he was pronounced as having no neurological or physical deficits, and the story of his miraculous survival spread throughout the hospital. You cannot imagine, we took Brian home, we felt a unique reverence for the life and love of our Heavenly Father that comes to those who brush death so closely.

In the days that followed there was a special spirit about our home. Our two older children were much closer to their little brother. My wife and I were much closer to each other, and all of us were very close as a whole family. Life took on a less stressful pace. Perspective seemed to be more focused, and balance much easier to gain and maintain. We felt deeply blessed. Our gratitude was truly profound.

The story is not over (smile)!

Almost a month later to the day of the accident, Brian awoke from his afternoon nap and said, "Sit down Mommy.. I have something to tell you." At this time in his life, Brian usually spoke in small phrases, so to say a large sentence surprised my wife. She sat down with him on his bed, and he began his sacred and remarkable story.

"Do you remember when I got stuck under the garage door? Well, it was so heavy and it hurt really bad. I called to you, but you couldn't hear me.. I started to cry, but then it hurt too bad. And then the 'birdies' came." 

"The birdies?" my wife asked puzzled.

"Yes," he replied. "The birdies made a whooshing sound and flew into the garage. They took care of me."

"They did?"

"Yes," he said. "One of the birdies came and got you. She came to tell you "I got stuck under the door." A sweet reverent feeling filled the room. The spirit was so strong and yet lighter than air. My wife realized that a three-year-old had no concept of death and spirits, so he was referring to the beings who came to him from beyond as "birdies" because they were up in the air like birds that fly.. "What did the birdies look like?" she asked.

Brian answered, "They were so beautiful. They were dressed in white, all white. Some of them had green and white. But some of them had on just
white."

"Did they say anything?"

"Yes," he answered "They told me the baby would be all right."

"The baby?" my wife asked confused.

Brian answered. "The baby laying on the garage floor." He went on, "You came out and opened the garage door and ran to the baby. You told the baby to stay and not leave."

My wife nearly collapsed upon hearing this, for she had indeed gone and knelt beside Brian's body and seeing his crushed chest whispered, "Don't leave us Brian, please stay if you can." As she listened to Brian telling her the words she had spoken, she realized that the spirit had left His body and was looking down from above on this little lifeless form.. "Then what happened?" she asked.

"We went on a trip," he said, "far, far away." He grew agitated trying to say the things he didn't seem to have the words for. My wife tried to calm and comfort him , and let him know it would be okay. He struggled with wanting to tell something that obviously was very important to him, but
finding the words was difficult.

"We flew so fast up in the air. They're so pretty Mommy," he added.

"And there are lots and lots of birdies." My wife was stunned. Into her mind the sweet comforting spirit enveloped her more soundly, but with an urgency she had never before known. Brian went on to tell her that the "birdies" had told him that he had to come back and tell everyone about the "birdies." He said they brought him back to the house and that a big fire truck, and an ambulance were there. A man was bringing the baby out on a white bed and he tried to tell the man that the baby would be okay. The story went on for an hour.

He taught us that "birdies" were always with us, but we don't see them because we look with our eyes and we don't hear them because we listen with our ears. But they are always there, you can only see them in here (he put his hand over his heart). They whisper the things to help us to do what is right because they love us so much. Brian continued, stating, "I have a plan, Mommy. You have a plan.. Daddy has a plan. Everyone has a plan. We must all live our plan and keep our promises. The birdies help us to do that cause they love us so much."

In the weeks that followed, he often came to us and told all, or part of it, again and again. Always the story remained the same. The details were never changed or out of order. A few times he added further bits of information and clarified the message he had already delivered It never ceased to amaze us how he could tell such detail and speak beyond his ability when he talked about his birdies.

Everywhere he went, he told strangers about the "birdies." Surprisingly, no one ever looked at him strangely when he did this. Rather, they always got a softened look on their face and smiled. Needless to say, we have not been the same ever since that day, and I pray we never will be.

You have just been sent an Angel to watch over you. Some people come into our lives and quickly go...Some people become friends and stay a while...leaving beautiful footprints on our hearts ... and we are never quite the same because we have made a good friend!!

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present! Live and savor every moment...this is not a dress rehearsal! THIS IS A SPECIAL GUARDIAN ANGEL...

Friday - 9-29-06 - Where's Your Cell Phone?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
    
    MAN:     "Hello"
    WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
    MAN:     "Yes"
    WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
    MAN:     "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
    MAN:     "How much?"
    WOMAN: "$60,000"
    MAN:     "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....
                    The house we wanted last year is back on the market.
                    They're asking $950,000."
    MAN:     "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
    MAN:     "Bye, I love you, too."
     
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.   Then he asks: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Wednesday - 9-27-06 -  If you lock your keys in the car - this seems to work!

Locked your keys in your car ?

If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone on your (or someone else's) cell phone.

Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the other person at your home press the unlock button of your key fob (clicker), holding it near the phone on their end. Your car doors should unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you.

Distance is no object you could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, it should unlock the doors (or the trunk!).

Editor's Note * It works fine! We tried it out, and it unlocked our car over a cell phone!)

Monday - 9-25-06 - What Goes Around Comes Around

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name?

Sir Winston Churchill.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

Wednesday - 9-20-06 - Computer Virus

During the next several weeks be VERY cautious about opening or launching any emails that refer to the World Trade Center or 9/11 in any way, regardless of who sent it.

It is a virus that will erase your whole "C" drive. It will come to you in the form of an E-Mail from a familiar person that computer has been infected. I repeat, It will come to you in the form of an E-Mail from a familiar person that computer has been infected.

So, if you receive an email referring to "WTC Survivor" or any reference to WTC or 911, do not open it. Delete it right away! This virus removes all dynamic link libraries (all files) from your computer.

Monday - 9-18-06 - Paul Harvey Writes - For My Grandchildren:

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. 

For my grandchildren, I'd like better. I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would. 

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated. 

I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. 

And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.

It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.

I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.

I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him. 

When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her. 

I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely. 

On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom. 

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one. 

I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books. 

When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head. 

I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like. 

May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.

May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.

I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah or Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness.

To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you.

And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.

Friday - 9-15-06 - To Anyone With Kids of Any Age, Here's Some Advice

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not, and will not learn in school. 
He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it! 

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect 
you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. 

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. 
You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. 

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. 

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had 
a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity. 

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine 
about your mistakes, learn from them. 

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. 
They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you 
talk about how cool you thought you were. 
So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, 
try delousing the closet in your own room. 

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. 
In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES 
as you want to get the right answer. 
This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. 

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers 
are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time. 

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. 
In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. 

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Monday - 9-11-06 -  Today is the fifth anniversary of the 911 tragedy, here's a poem by Pat M: September 11, The Year 2001, A Day of Tragedy in The Golden Sun

Not just one life was shattered and torn
Thousands no longer will be as when born
�
Our country, a place we can be free
Was shattered and torn for all to see
�
Frozen in time, planes crashing, a total of four
Taking lives, heroes, and just folks, forever more
�
But we are Americans and will fight back
Against this evil and horrendous act
�
No one can bury or kill our Nation so strong
We will rebuild, in steel, concrete and with song.
�
You can't take us down, from land or flights above
We are Americans and will defend this land we love.
�
So while we mourn and pray for lives lost
For heroes trying to save others no matter the cost
�
We will rebound and remember to fear us, yes you must
Because we are Americans on our land and In God we Trust.
�
By Pat M
September 12, 2001

Friday - 9-8-06 - Cautious Man

There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played.
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when one day he passed away
His insurance was denied.
For since he never really lived.
They claimed he never died!

Unknown Author

Wednesday - 9-6-06 - The health benefits of peroxide.....written by B Ramsey.

"I would like to tell you of the benefits of that plain little old 
bottle of 3% peroxide you can get for under $1.00 at any drug store. My 
husband has been in the medical field for over 36 years, and most doctors 
don't tell you about peroxide, or they would lose thousands of dollars."

1. Take one capful (the little white cap that comes with the 
bottle) and hold in your mouth for 10 minutes daily, then spit it out. (I 
do it when I bathe)

No more canker sores and your teeth will be whiter without 
expensive pastes. Use it instead of mouthwash. (Small print says mouth wash 
and gargle right on the bottle)

2. Let your toothbrushes soak in a cup of "Peroxide" to keep them 
free of germs.

3. Clean your counters, table tops with peroxide to kill germs and 
leave a fresh smell. Simply put a little on your dishrag when you wipe, or 
spray it on the counters.

4. After rinsing off your wooden cutting board, pour peroxide on 
it to kill salmonella and other bacteria.

5. I had fungus on my feet for years - until I sprayed a 50/50 
mixture of peroxide and water on them (especially the toes) every night and 
let dry.

6. Soak any infections or cuts in 3% peroxide for five to ten 
minutes several times a day.

7. My husband has seen gangrene that would not heal with any 
medicine, but was healed by soaking in peroxide.

8. Fill a spray bottle with a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water 
and keep it in every bathroom to disinfect without harming your septic 
system like bleach or most other disinfectants will.

9. Tilt your head back and spray into nostrils with your 50/50 
mixture whenever you have a cold, or plugged sinuses. It will bubble and 
help to kill the bacteria. Hold for a few minutes then blow your nose into 
a tissue.

10. If you have a terrible toothache and cannot get to a dentist 
right away, put a capful of 3% peroxide into your mouth and hold it for ten 
minutes several times a day. The pain will lessen greatly.

11. And of course, if you like a natural look to your hair, spray 
the 50/50 solution on your wet hair after a shower and comb it through. You 
will not have the peroxide burnt blonde hair like the hair dye packages, 
but more natural highlights if your hair is a light brown, faddish, or 
dirty blonde. It also lightens gradually so it's not a drastic change.

12. Put half a bottle of peroxide in your bath to help rid boils, 
fungus, or other skin infections.

13. You can also add a cup of peroxide instead of bleach to a load 
of whites in your laundry to whiten them. If there is blood on clothing, 
Pour directly on the soiled spot. Let it sit for a minute, then rub it and 
rinse with cold water. Repeat if necessary.

14. I use peroxide to clean my mirrors, and there is no smearing 
which is why I love it so much for this.

15. If outside in shorts when mosquitos are present, pour some 
peroxide on a cloth or paper towel and add generously to your bare legs and 
arms, mosquitos will go bye bye or just buzz around. do this about every 20 
or 30 mins and enjoy your outside time in the evenings.

I could go on and on. It is a little brown bottle no home should 
be without! With prices of most necessities rising, I'm glad there's a way 
to save tons of money in such a simple, healthy manner.

Monday - 9-4-06 - Ladies vs. Real Women

Ladies: If a lady accidentally over-salts a dish while it's still cooking, she drops in a peeled potato and it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up".
Real Woman: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Woman: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Woman: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Ladies: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Woman: Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Ladies: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Woman: Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.

Ladies: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Woman: Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

Ladies: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Woman: Leftover wine??

---

Wednesday - 8-30-06 - Signs of the times

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail in box asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
10. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

---

Monday - 8-28-06 - Five Important Lessons

Five lessons to make you think about the way we treat people:

1.) First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman Several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello".

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2.) Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of a ALABAMA highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.

A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and Thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away.. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others," Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3. Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old Boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.

Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now More people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. 

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.

When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

4.) Fourth Important Lesson - The Obstacles in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon Approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5.) Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts.

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease.

Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.

The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?".

Being so young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

"Work like you don't need the money and love like you've never been hurt."

---

Friday - 8-25-06 - Management Speak and Translation

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting. TRANSLATION: I disagree.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you. TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility. TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this. TRANSLATION: This is awful.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand. TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business. TRANSLATION: You're an idiot.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here. TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary? TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources. TRANSLATION: You're working weekends.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer. TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this. TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this project. TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats. TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work. TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no-brainer. TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm glad you asked me that. TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal. TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision. TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: There are larger issues at stake. TRANSLATION: I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you. TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees. TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.

---

Wednesday - 8-23-06 - Management Advice

Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle & asked him,  "Can I also sit like you & do nothing?"

The eagle answered:,  "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson?

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson?

BS might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a bull came by and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of bull dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of bull dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson?

1) Not everyone who BS you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of BS is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep BS, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your management course.  Thank you for your time.

---

Monday - 8-21-06 - Things Not to Hear During Surgery

1. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
2. Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
3. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
4. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
5. Darn, there go the lights again...
6. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
7. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
8. What's this doing here?
9. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
10. Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
11. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
12. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
13. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
14. Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
15. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

---

Friday - 8-18-06 - Ever Wonder...

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

and finally...

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

---

Wednesday - 8-16-06 - NEW WORK WORDS FOR 2006:

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was

missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream

only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.

8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What
Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying
but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben
wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just 
above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed
to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the
same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and
subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

---

Monday - 8-14-06 - The Paper Shredder

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary asked.

"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it
into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

---

Friday - 8-11-06 - The Manager!

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

---

Wednesday - 8-9-06 - Common Sense Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valued lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and two wrongs don't make a right.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a million dollars.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his grandparents, Discretion and Truth, his parents, Trust and Right Thinking, his wife, Trust Faith; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two step-sibilings; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral, because so few realized he was gone.

---

Monday - 8-7-06 - On his own!

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT PRETENDING MAY GET YOU INTO A MORE DIFFICULT SITUATION, AND IT MIGHT PREVENT YOU FROM BECOMING THE HOT SHOT BUSINESSMAN YOU WERE MEANT TO BE!

---

Friday - 8-4-06 - So True....

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre (Stadium, Arena, etc.):
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

---

Wednesday - 8-2-06 - Mourning Over You

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in
your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say?" Artie said, "I would like them to say I was 
a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives." Don said,
"I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

---

Monday - 7-31-06 - The Express Lane

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my
delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into
the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you like to
buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!

---

Friday - 7-28-06 - Take The Poison

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and
I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The
man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by
this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you,
I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then
offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out
and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. 
"I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You 
want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

---

Wednesday - 7-26-06 - In a Minute

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to
you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million
dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I
have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

---

Monday - 7-24-06 - Potential vs. Reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"�

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you.

Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.

Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means.

He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says, "Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out.

Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two tramps."

---

Friday - 7-21-06 - Myths About ...

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in , he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. 

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago". 

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" 

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." She explained further: "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when , in fact , it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. "Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish decent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name." 

"Tonto," the man said," Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

---

Wednesday - 7-19-06 - REST ROOM PRIVILEGES

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: PERSONNEL DEPT.
SUBJECT: REST ROOM PRIVILEGES

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the rest room under informal guidelines. Effective this date, a "Rest room Trip Policy" (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's rest room time.

Under this policy, a "Rest room Trip Bank" (RTB) will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a "Rest room Trip Credit" (RTC) of 20. RTCs can be accumulated from month to month.

Within two weeks, the entrance to all rest rooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer linked voice recognition devices. Before the end of September, each employee must provide the Personnel Dept. with two copies of voice prints, one normal and one under stress. The voice print recognition will be in operation, but not restrictive, for the rest of the month. Employees should acquaint themselves with these stations during this period.

If an employee's RTB balance reaches zero, the doors to the rest rooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all all rest room stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper in the stall will retract, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall seat remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted in the hallways. This is being done to eliminate dilly-dalling in the rest rooms. Anyone's picture showing up three times will be immediately terminated.

If there are any questions regarding the above policy, don't hesitate to speak with your supervisor or the Personnel Dept.

Thank You,
Management

---

Monday - 7-17-06 - Is the Computer Feminine or Masculine?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House," in French, is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "what gender is 'computer'?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So, for fun, she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little bit longer, you could have gotten a better model.

---

Friday  - 7-14-06 - This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1.  An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2.  An old friend who once saved your life.

3.  The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading...
-----------------------------------------------------

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.  Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.  However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.  He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.  I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.  Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

---

Wednesday - 7-12-06 - An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

OLDER WOMAN: Is there a problem, Officer?

OFFICER: Ma'am, you were speeding.

OLDER WOMAN: Oh, I see.

OFFICER: Can I see your license please?

OLDER WOMAN: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

OFFICER: Don't have one?

OLDER WOMAN: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

OFFICER: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

OLDER WOMAN: I can't do that.

OFFICER: Why not?

OLDER WOMAN: I stole this car.

OFFICER: Stole it?

OLDER WOMAN: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

OFFICER: You what?

OLDER WOMAN: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

OFFICER 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

OLDER WOMAN: Is there a problem sir?

OFFICER 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

OLDER WOMAN: Murdered the owner?

OFFICER 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

OFFICER 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

OLDER WOMAN: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

OFFICER 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

OFFICER 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

OLDER WOMAN: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

MORAL:

Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies

---

Monday - 7-10-06 - How far we have come! Turn the Clock back to the Year 1906�

THE YEAR 1906
This will boggle your mind!

The year is 1906. One hundred years ago!

What a difference a century makes! 

Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1906: 

* The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years. 

* Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub. 

* Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

* A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

* There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. 

* Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. 

* With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

* The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower! 

* The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour. [I didn't know they had Wal-Mart back then.]

* The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. 
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. 

* More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home. 

* Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had no college education. 
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard." 

* Sugar cost four cents a pound. 
* Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. 
* Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. 

* Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. 

* Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

* Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were: 

1. Pneumonia and Influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea 
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke 

* The American flag had 45 stars. 
Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

* The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!! 

* Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet. 

* There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

* Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. (Not sure we have improved on this one.)

* Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. 

* Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help. 

* There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S. 

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years It boggles the mind!!

---

Friday - 7-7-06 - Inspirational

One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd." 

I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friend tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.

As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives." He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.

We talked all the way home, and I carried his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play football on Saturday with me and my friends. He said yes. We hung all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him. And my friends thought the same of him.

Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and handed me half the books. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. 

When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than me and all the girls loved him! Boy, sometimes I was jealous.

Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. "Thanks," he said. As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach... but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story." 

I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. "Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable." I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.

Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse. God puts someone in each other's lives to impact one another in some way. Look for God in others.

---

Wednesday - 7-5-06 - The Clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot ... it's ten past three in the morning!"

---

Friday - 6-2-06 - The Hotel Bill....

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West, Florida to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them" the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have", explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here", the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir", he says, "this check is only made out for $100!"

"That's right", says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the Manager.

Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Wednesday - 5-31-06 - Great One Liners

(1) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
(2) The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
(3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
(4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
(5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
(6) Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
(7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
(8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
(9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
(10) Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
(11) I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
(12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
(13) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
(14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Wednesday - 12-28-05 - Facts?

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception

Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A" ?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women

Q. This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year.
A. Father's Day

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots

What Is The True Meaning of Christmas?

Friday - 12-16-05 - The Sands of Christmas - by Michael Marks

I had no Christmas spirit when I breathed a weary sigh,
And looked across the table where the bills were piled too high.

The laundry wasn't finished and the car I had to fix,
My stocks were down another point, the Dolphins lost by six.

And so with only minutes till my son got home from school
I gave up on the drudgery and grabbed a wooden stool.

The burdens that I carried were about all I could take,
And so I flipped the TV on to catch a little break.

I came upon a desert scene in shades of tan and rust,
No snowflakes hung upon the wind, just clouds of swirling dust.

And where the reindeer should have stood before a laden sleigh,
Eight Hummers ran a column right behind an M1A.

A group of boys walked past the tank, not one was past his teens.
Their eyes were hard as polished flint, their faces drawn and lean.

They walked the street in armor with their rifles shouldered tight,
Their dearest wish for Christmas, just to have a silent night.

Other soldiers gathered, hunkered down against the wind,
To share a scrap of mail and dreams of going home again.

There wasn't much at all to put their lonely hearts at ease,
They had no Christmas turkey, just a pack of MREs..

They didn't have a garland or a stocking I could see,
They didn't need an ornament-- they lacked a Christmas Tree.

They didn't have a present even though it was tradition,
the only boxes I could see were labeled "ammunition."

I felt a little tug and found my son now by my side,
He asked me what it was I feared, and why it was I cried.

I swept him up into my arms and held him oh so near
and kissed him on the forehead as I whispered in his ear.

There's nothing wrong my little son, for safe we sleep tonight,
Our heroes stand on foreign land to give us all the right,

To worry on the things in life that mean nothing at all,
Instead of wondering if we will be the next to fall.

He looked at me as children do and said its always right,
to thank the ones who help us and perhaps that we should write.

And so we pushed aside the bills and sat to draft a note,
to thank the many far from home, and this is what we wrote:

God Bless You all and keep you safe, and speed your way back home.
Remember that we love you so, and that you're not alone.

The gift you give you share with all, a present every day,
You give the gift of liberty and that we can't repay.

Wednesday - 12-14-05 - Apartment For Rent

A businessman meets a beautiful woman and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.

So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;

1) it had never been occupied;

2) that there was plenty of heat;

3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

Monday - 12-12-05 - The Brick
 
About ten years ago, a young and very successful executive named Josh was traveling down a Chicago neighborhood street. He was going a bit too fast in his sleek, black, 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE, which was only two months old. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no child darted out, but a brick sailed out and-WHUMP! -- it smashed into the Jag's shiny black side door! SCREECH...!!!! Brakes slammed! Gears ground into reverse, and tires madly spun the Jaguar back to the spot from where the brick had been thrown.

Josh jumped out of the car, grabbed the kid and pushed him up against a parked car. He shouted at the kid, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing?!" Building up a head of steam, he went on. "That's my new Jag, that brick you threw is gonna cost you a lot of money. Why did you throw it?" "Please, mister, please. I'm sorry! I didn't know what else to do!" pleaded the youngster. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop!" Tears were dripping down the boy's chin as he pointed around the parked car. "It's my brother, mister," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Sobbing, the boy asked the executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the young executive tried desperately to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. Straining, he lifted the young man back into the wheelchair and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts, checking to see that everything was going to be OK. He then watched the younger brother push him down the sidewalk toward their home. It was a long walk back to the sleek, black, shining, 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE-a long and slow walk. Josh never did fix the side door of his Jaguar. He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at him to get his attention. Some bricks are softer than others. Feel for the bricks of life coming at you.

Friday - 12-9-05 - Restroom Chat

I had barely sat down in the restroom of a large
department store when the lady in the next stall said,
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in
the ladies' restroom, but I didn't know what else to
do, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just
fine!" My new "friend" says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm
thinking this is too bizarre. "Uhhh, I'm probably like
you, just doing a little shopping!"

At this point I am trying to get out of there as fast
as I can when I hear another question! "Can I come
over to your place after while?" 

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could
be polite and end the conversation. I told her, "Well,
this is a bad day for me!"

Then she said nervously... "LISTEN, I'll have to call
you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who
keeps answering all my questions!

Monday - 12-5-05 - Husband's Checkup

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

1) Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2) At lunch, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

3) For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.

4) Make love several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said to her. She replied, "You're going to die."

Friday - 12-2-05 - This is interesting.....

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop ... even your heart!

6. Only 7% of the population are lefties.

7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davison motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Wednesday - 11-30-05 - State Trooper

A middle-aged man bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought, and floored it some more.

He looked in his rear view mirror and there was a State Trooper behind him, red lights flashing and siren blasting.

"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man, and he floored it some more and flew down the  road at over 130 mph!

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing," and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him. The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason for why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked up at the Trooper and said: "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The State Trooper replied: "Have a nice day."

Monday - 11-28-05 - Unemployment

Sven and Olaf worked together in a factory and both were laid off.  So...they went to the Unemployment Office together.  Asked his occupation, Olaf said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties."  The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Olaf $300 a week in unemployment pay. Sven was asked his occupation he replied, "Diesel Fitter". Since Diesel Fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Olaf found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his benefits. The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."  "What skill?", yelled Olaf. "I sew da elastic on da panties Olaf puts dem over his head! and says, "yah, ------------- DIESEL FITTER."

Friday - 11-25-05 - (From Ann Landers Column - For our children) - Rules for Teens

1. Do not hurt your siblings, friends or peers, even if you think they deserve it. You will regret it later.

2. You are going through a lot of changes, both physically and emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask your family for help.

3. As a teen, you will be given more choices in life. Try to do what is right. You know what that is.

4. Your parents have advise to offer. Keep in mind that they have experience you don't. Do not reject everything they say just because they are your parents.

5. Don't let anyone make you feel insignificant. Love yourself.

6. Think before you speak! Again, think before you speak! Words are easy to say, but hard to forget.

7. Violence is never acceptable. Nothing good can come of it.

8. If you show others kindness, the same will be done for you. Treat others as you would like to be treated!

9. Drugs and alcohol will not make pain go away. They will make things worse later on.

10. You have a lot of years ahead of you. What happens to you now counts. Don't mess up your future.

Have a Great Turkey Day - DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE!

Monday - 11-21-05 - Lost Objective

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Friday - 11-18-05 - Hollywood Squares

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous! Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say, "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting, "Poo! Poo! Poo! "What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobe l: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. CharleyWeaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.

Wednesday - 11-16-05 - Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. These are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during their job interview process:

1. "I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement."
2. "At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."
3. "I feel uneasy indoors."
4. "Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
5. "Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."
6. "I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington."
7. "I get excited very easily."
8. "Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."
9. "I am fascinated by fire."
10. "I like tall women."
11. "Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex."
12. "People are always watching me."
13. "If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back."
14. "Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."
15. "I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."
16. "I never get hungry."
17. "I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."
18. "If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."
19. "I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."
20. "My legs are really hairy."
21. "I think I'm going to throw-up."

Monday - 11-14-05 - Show The Lady Your Finest Mink Coat

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous woman on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink coat!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.

The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

Friday - 11-11-05 - Today is Veterans Day. We proudly salute and honor our Veterans for their service, bravery and sacrifices, and for the freedom we all enjoy today.

Friday - 10-7-05 - Test for Dementia

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are. 

Ready? GO!!! 

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in? 

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are 

absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place,
you are second! 

Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the
first question. 

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...? 

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong
again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? 

You're not ! very good at this! Are you? 

Third Question:

Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. 
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another
1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 
Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer. 

Did you get 5000? 

The correct answer is actually 4100. 

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your
day. Maybe you will get the last question right? 

Fourth Question: 

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 
4. Nono. 

What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu? 

NO! Of course not. 
Her name is Mary. Read the question again 

Okay, now the bonus round:

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By 
imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is 
done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of 
sunglasses, how should he express himself?

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE - SEND THIS LINK TO THEM

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Wednesday - 10-5-05 - Actual Quotations From Job Interviews:

1. A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
2. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
3. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
4. Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewers office.
5. Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
6. Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
7. Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
8. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
9. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
10. Candidate brought large dog to interview.
11. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
12. Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.

1. "What is it that you people do at this company?"
2. "What is the company motto?"
3. "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
4. "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
5. "Why do you want references?"
6. "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
7. "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
8. "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
9. "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
10. "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
11. "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
12. "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
13. "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
14. "Why am I here?"

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Monday - 10-3-05 - This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.  A must read!

Dear Diary...

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:  Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god -  with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines.  He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:  I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:  The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.  I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other (blank) too.

Thursday:  Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.  Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday:  I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be bastard.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand anything that weighs more than a sandwich.  (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi bastard). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:  Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrill voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#& Weather Channel.

Sunday:  I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal.

---

Friday - 9-30-05 - The Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."

---

Wednesday - 9-28-05 - Wooden Bowl

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. We must do something about Grandfather," said the son. I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.

He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?"  Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

Children are remarkably perceptive. Their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb. If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives. The wise parent realizes that every day the building blocks are being laid for the child's future. Let's be wise builders and role models.

---

Monday - 9-26-05 - INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a�distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the�flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as�Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable�programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no�longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried�running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,�
Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband�1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
�
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to�default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a�very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs�a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your�system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0�program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does�have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might�consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We�recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

---

Friday - 9-23-05 - Here's Robin Williams Plan for America - Go Robin!

Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan.

Robin Williams' plan....(Hard to argue with this logic!)

I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan."

1.) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good ole boys,' We will never "interfere" again.

2.) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with>Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3.) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4.) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5.) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6.) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7.) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8.) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very
little, if anything.

9.) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10.) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH.....learn it...or LEAVE.....

Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?' "

---

Wednesday - 9-21-05 - To the Rescue

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency.

"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried.

"It's my people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you", replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it, " said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one!"

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Monday - 9-19-05 - The Best Technology!

A threesome comprised of an American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring.

The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left pinky finger to his mouth, and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the other two and says, "Oh, this is the latest American technology in cellular phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my pinky and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?"

They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my spine. Ah, the wonders of German superior know-how!"

At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese fellow disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each other and then walk over and peer into the bushes. In the middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants down around his ankles, with a roll of toilet paper. "What on earth are you doing?" asks the American. The Japanese fellow looks up and replies "Waiting for a fax."

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Friday - 9-16-05 - Invest Your Time Wisely!

Let's suppose you had a bank that each morning credited your account with $ 1,440 with one condition - Whatever part of the $1,440 you had failed to use during the day would be erased from your account and no balance carried over.....

What would you do? Of course you'd draw out every cent, everyday and use it to your best advantage....

Well, you have such a bank and its name is TIME. Every morning the TIME bank credits you with 1,440 minutes. It writes off forever whatever portion you failed to invest to a good purpose.....INVEST YOUR TIME WISELY!

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Wednesday - 9-14-05 - To Be Six Again

After 44 years of marriage, a man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, Pepsi, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again?

"One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

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Friday - 7-29-05 - Great One-Liners

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of IT.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

14. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

15. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

16. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

17. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

18. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile

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Monday - 7-25-05 - You and Your Boss�

When you take a long time you're slow. When your boss takes a long time he's thorough.

When you don't do it you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it he's too busy.

When you make a mistake you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake he's only human.

When you're doing something without being told you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing that's initiative.

When you take a stand you're being bullheaded. When your boss does it he's being firm.

When you overlook the rule of etiquette you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules he's being original.

When you please your boss you're arse-creeping. When your boss pleases his boss he's being co-operative.

When you get ahead you get the breaks. When your boss gets ahead that's because he's so clever.

When you're out off the office you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office he's on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social you're a drunken bum. When your boss does the same he's being social.

When you look at a woman with interest you're a sex maniac. When your boss does the same he appreciates women.

When you're a day off sick you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave you don't need it because you never do any work. When your boss applies for leave he deserves the break because he's so overworked.

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Friday - 7-22-05 - New Corporate Cost-Cutting Policies:

Due to current financial restructuring, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual. Effective next Monday the following revised procedures apply:

Lodging

All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Transportation

Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

Meals

Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition Centers, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner.

Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

Miscellaneous

All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

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Wednesday - 7-20-05 - Baseball In Heaven!

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven." The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday."

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Monday - 7-18-05 - GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

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Friday - 7-15-05 - Deep Thoughts at Work!

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Wednesday - 7-13-05 - THE WASH CLOTH

There is not a woman alive today that won't crack up over this one!

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. 

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. 

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

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Monday - 7-11-05 - A Cautionary Tale

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked his wife to move out and get another place. His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3 days alone at the apartment to pack up her things. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet. Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to move.

They could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ..including the curtain rods.

DO NOT MESS WITH A WOMAN!!!!!!!!

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Wednesday - 7-6-05 - Super Salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"

"One", he replied.

"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$91,237.64", the young man replied.

"What the in world did you sell????"

"Well, I sold a guy a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook.  Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said 'down at the coast', so I told him he was gonna need a boat; so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said: "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The kid says: "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.

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Wednesday - 6-8-05 - (Funny!)

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting  her second child, was home alone with her 3-year-old daughter Katelyn.

Heidi started going into labour so she called "911".  Due to a power shortage at the time only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and, after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. And Connor began to cry.

The paramedic when thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place"!

"Smack him again!"

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Monday - 5-2-05 - Actual Ads found in newspapers:

1. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
2. Antiques wanted new or used.
3. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
4. 87 Olds for sale needs muffler, brakes and tune up runs excellent.
5. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
7. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
8. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
9. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
10. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

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Friday - 4-29-05 -  Not So Funny Trick At The Company Halloween Party

A young executive from the local branch was invited to the swanky corporate masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action". She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little fun.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing.

You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys from the New York branch, so we went into one of the empty offices and played poker all evening." "Is that right?" she said. "That's right" he said "But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one hell of a time!"

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Friday - 4-22-05 - Dilbert's Rules of (Dis)Order

1- I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2- I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3- Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4- Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5- Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

6- I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

7- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

8- My reality check bounced.

9- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

10- I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

11- Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

12- Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

13- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

14- After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

15- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

16- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

17- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

18- People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

19- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

20- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

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Wednesday - 4-13-05 - This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and then insured them against fire -- among other things.

Within a month after�having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a�claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason:

that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued ... and won!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

We understand this is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

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Wednesday - 4-6-05 - Corporate Lessons

Corporate Lesson #1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.  After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your shareholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson #2

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first say.

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Monday - 4-4-05 Four Steps to Persistence

There are four simple steps which lead to the habit of persistence. They call for no great amount of intelligence, no particular amount of education, and but little time or effort. The necessary steps are:

1. A definite purpose backed by burning desire for its fulfillment.

2. A definite plan, expressed in continuous action.

3. A mind closed tightly against all negative and discouraging influences, including negative suggestions or relatives, friends and acquaintances.

4. A friendly alliance with one or more persons who will encourage one to follow through with both plan and purpose. (Napoleon Hill - Think And Grow Rich)

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Friday  - 4-1-05 - Know Your Office Equipment

A secretary was leaving the office one Friday evening when she encountered Mr. Jones, the Human Resources manager, standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said Mr. Jones, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the secretary. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said Mr. Jones as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

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Wednesday - 3-30-05 - Up in Smoke

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century. And to the best of our knowledge, is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and then insured them against fire -- among other things.

Within a month after�having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a�claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason:

that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued ... and won!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

Monday - 3-28-05 - Dying man and his friends

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later.

Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.

The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.

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Friday - 3-25-05 - Why I am so Tired!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of our country is 250 million.

117 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

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Monday - 2-14-05 - Happy Valentine's Day

Ads placed by Women: 40-ish.................. 48 Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will Athletic................ Flat-chested Average looking......... Ugly Beautiful............... Pathological liar Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin Educated................ College dropout Emotionally Secure...... Medicated Free spirit............. Substance user Friendship first........ Trying to live down a bad reputation Fun..................... Annoying Gentle.................. Comatose New-Age................. All body hair, all the time Open-minded............. Desperate Outgoing................ Loud Passionate.............. Loud Professional............ Real Witch Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat Romantic................ Looks better by candle light Voluptuous.............. Very Fat Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking Widow................... Nagged first husband to death Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

Ads placed by Men: 40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, back Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking............ Arrogant Honest.................. Pathological Liar Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent Mature.................. Until you get to know him Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

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Wednesday - 1-12-05 - G-o-o-o Navy ! H-o-o-Rah !

A Navy pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives 
her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The Navy pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

"The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Navy pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

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Friday - 1-7-05 - Rodney Dangerfield's 20 Best One-Liners

1. I was so poor growing up .. if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.

3. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

4. One day I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said," I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

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Wednesday - 12-29-04 - Probably True�and Funny, Too

 

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Italy. But the Custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

 

The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

 

Don't laugh...the man won!

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Friday - 6-18-04 - Too Hot For Arizona Convicts 

It's even hotter than usual in Phoenix, 116 degrees sets a new record, the Associated Press reports:

About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts. On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before.

Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks.  "It feels like we are in a furnace," said an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 1/2 years. "It's inhumane."

The tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the 
inmates:

"It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths. "

KIND OF PUTS THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE DOESN'T IT?
 
Bumper sticker of the year: 

"If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier."

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Monday - 10-27-03 - Congratulations To The Florida Marlins - Our Yankees Will Be Back Next Year!

A father watched his young son practice baseball in the backyard by throwing the ball up and swinging at it. Time and time again the bat missed contact. The boy noticed his father watching, and said, "Wow, Dad! Aren't I a great pitcher?"

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Wednesday - 10-22-03 - Scrabble This!

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

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Friday - 10-3-03 - I LOVE MY JOB - (A Poem by Unknown Poet)

I love my job I love my Job, I love the Pay! I love it more and more each day. I love my Boss; he is the best! I love his boss and all the rest. I love my Office and its location I hate to have to go on vacation. I love my furniture, drab and gray, and the paper that piles up every day! I love my chair in my padded Cell! There's nothing else I love so well. I love to work among my Peers

I love their leers and jeers and sneers. I love my Computer and its Software; I hug it often though it don't care... I love each Program and every File, I try to understand once in a while!! I'm happy to be here, I am I am; I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam. I love this Work: I love these Chores. I love the Meetings with deadly Bores. I love my Job - I'll say it again - I even love these friendly Men - These men who've come to visit today In lovely white coats to take me away!

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Friday - 9-26-03 - Happy Rosh Hashanah - Here's Something To Think About

We asked for Strength......... And G-d gave us Difficulties to make us strong.

We asked for Wisdom......... And G-d gave us Problems to solve.

We asked for Prosperity......... And G-d gave us Brain and Brawn to work.

We asked for Courage......... And G-d gave us Danger to overcome.

We asked for Love......... And G-d gave us Troubled people to help.

We asked for Favors......... And G-d gave us Opportunities.

We received nothing we wanted ........ We received everything we needed!

Wednesday - 9-17-03 - Performance Reviews

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

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Friday - 7-5-02 - The Blanket

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we are married.

"The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!"
The woman says "GOOD..... Get your own freaking blanket.

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