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Two Old Retired Truckers - Bob and Jim

Two 90-year-old retired truckers, Bob and Jim had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Bob was dying, Jim visited him every day.

One day Bob said, 'Jim, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through high school and trucking careers. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's 
baseball there.'

Bob looked up at Jim from his deathbed and said, 'Bob, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Jim passed on.

A few nights later, Bob was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Bob, Bob.'

'Who is it?' asked Bob, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

Bob -- it's me, Jim.'

You're not Jim. Jim just died.'

I'm telling you, it's me, Jim,' insisted the voice.

'Jim! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Jim. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Bob.

'The good news,' Jim said, 'is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired.'

That's fantastic,' said Bob. 'It's beyond my *wildest dreams*! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Calendar for July 2011 - This Is The Only Time We Will See And Live This Event

Lots of Weekends In July

Sun  Mon  Tue  Wed  Thu  Fri Sat
                                        1      2
 3      4      5      6     7       8      9
10    11    12     13   14     15    16
17    18    19     20    21    22    23
24    25    26     27    28    29    30


This year, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays. This happens
once every 823 years.

Kinda interesting - read on!!!

This year we're going to experience four unusual dates:
1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 and that's not all...

Take the last two digits of the year in which you were born - now add
the age you will be this year, what does it equal?

The results will be 111 for everyone in whole world!

New Credit Card Scam - PLEASE READ & HEED. Man they are getting slick!!!

Snopes.Com says this is true. To verify see this site:

This one is pretty slick since they provide YOU with all the information, except the one piece they want. 
Note, the callers do not ask for your card number; they already have it. This information is worth reading. 
By understanding how the VISA & Master Card Telephone Credit Card Scam works, you'll be better prepared to protect yourself.

One of our employees was called on Wednesday from 'VISA', and I was called on Thursday from 'Master Card'.. The scam works like this: Caller: 'This is (name), and I'm calling from the Security and Fraud Department at VISA. My Badge number is 12460. Your card has been flagged for an unusual purchase pattern, and I'm calling to verify. This would be on your VISA card which was issued by (name of bank). Did you purchase an Anti-Telemarketing Device for $497.99 from a Marketing company based in ?'

When you say 'No', the caller continues with, 'Then we will be issuing a credit to your account. This is a company we have been watching and the charges range from $297 to $497, just under the $500 purchase pattern that flags most cards. Before your next statement, the credit will be sent to (gives you your address), is that correct?'

You say 'yes'. The caller continues - 'I will be starting a Fraud investigation. If you have any questions, you should call the 1- 800 number listed on the back of your card (1-800 -VISA) and ask for Security.' You will need to refer to this Control Number. The caller then gives you a 6 digit number. 'Do you need me to read it again?' 

Here's the IMPORTANT part on how the scam works. The caller then says, 'I need to verify you are in possession of your card'. He'll ask you to 'turn your card over and look for some numbers'. There are 7 numbers; the first 4 are part of your card number, the next 3 are the security Numbers that verify you are the possessor of the card. These are the numbers you sometimes use to make Internet purchases to prove you have the card. The caller will ask you to read the 3 numbers to him. After you tell the caller the 3 numbers, he'll say, 'That is correct, I just needed to verify that the card has not been lost or stolen, and that you still have your card. Do you have any other questions?' After you say No, the caller then thanks you and states, 'Don't hesitate to call back if you do, and hangs up.

You actually say very little, and they never ask for or tell you the Card number. But after we were called on Wednesday, we called back within 20 minutes to ask a question. Are we glad we did! The REAL VISA Security Department told us it was a scam and in the last 15 minutes a new purchase of $497.99 was charged to our card.

Long story - short - we made a real fraud report and closed the VISA account. VISA is reissuing us a new number. What the scammers want is the 3-digit PIN number on the back of the card Don't give it to them. Instead, tell them you'll call VISA or Master card directly for verification of their conversation. The real VISA told us that they will never ask for anything on the card as they already know the information since they issued the card! If you give the scammers your 3 Digit PIN Number, you think you're receiving a credit. However, by the time you get your statement you'll see charges for purchases you didn't make, and by then it's almost too late and/or more difficult to actually file a fraud report.

What makes this more remarkable is that on Thursday, I got a call from a 'Jason Richardson of Master Card' with a word-for-word repeat of the VISA scam. This time I didn't let him finish. I hung up! We filed a police report, as instructed by VISA. The police said they are taking several of these reports daily! They also urged us to tell everybody we know that this scam is happening.

Please pass this on to all your family, friends and neighbors. By informing each other, we protect each other.

Velocity of Money

It is a slow day in the East Texas town of Madisonville . It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist from the East is driving through town. He enters the only hotel in the sleepy town and lays a hundred dollar bill on the desk stating he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks up the stairs, the hotel proprietor takes the hundred dollar bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to pay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer then takes the $100 and heads off to pay his debt to the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer’s Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute who has also been facing hard times and has lately had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel and pays off her debt with the $100 to the hotel proprietor paying for the rooms that she had rented when she brought clients to that establishment.

The hotel proprietor then lays the $100 bill back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler from the East walks back down the stairs after inspecting the rooms. He picks up the $100 bill and states that the rooms are not satisfactory. Pockets the money and walks out the door and leaves town.

No one earned anything.

However the whole town is now out of debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

Truck Stop Scam

Here's a scam that truckers should be made very aware of. A 'heads up' for those truckers that are regular at truck stops around the country.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while at a truck stop.  Simply visiting a truck stop has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your truck as you are walking back. They both climb and start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get in the back of the cab. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

Now......I've had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th, 29th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and hopefully again today.

So tell your friends to be on the lookout.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale 1.99 each.

Inspirational - This is quite an enjoyable story with lots to think about after reading:

A drunken man in an Oldsmobile
they said had run the light.

That caused the six-car pileup
on 109 that night.

When broken bodies lay about
and blood was everywhere,

The sirens screamed out eulogies,
for death was in the air.

A mother, trapped inside her car,
was heard above the noise,

Her plaintive plea near split the air,
'Oh, God, please spare my boys!'

She fought to loose her pinned hands,
she struggled to get free,

But mangled metal held her fast
in grim captivity.

Her frightened eyes then focused
on where the back seat once had been,

But all she saw was broken glass and
two children's seats crushed in.

Her twins were nowhere to be seen,
she did not hear them cry,

And then she prayed they'd been thrown free,
'Oh, God, don't let them die!

Then firemen came and cut her loose,
but when they searched the back,

They found therein no little boys,
but the seat belts were intact.

They thought the woman had gone mad
and was traveling alone,

But when they turned to question her,
they discovered she was gone.

Policemen saw her running wild
and screaming above the noise

In beseeching supplication,
'Please help me find my boys!'

'They're four years old and wear blue shirts,
their jeans are blue to match.'

One cop spoke up, 'They're in my car,
and they don't have a scratch.'

'They said their daddy put them there,
and gave them each a cone,

'Then told them both to wait for Mom
to come and take them home.'

'I've searched the area high and low,
but I can't find their dad.'

'He must have fled the scene,
I guess, and that is very bad.'

The mother hugged the twins and said,
while wiping at a tear,

'He could not flee the scene, you see,
for he's been dead a year.'

The cop just looked confused and asked,
'Now, how can that be true?

'The boys said, 'Mommy, Daddy came
and left a kiss for you.'

'He told us not to worry
and that you would be all right,

'And then he put us in this car with
the pretty, flashing light.

'We wanted him to stay with us,
because we miss him so,

'But Mommy, he just hugged us tight
and said he had to go.'

'He said someday we'd understand
and told us not to fuss,

'And he said to tell you, Mommy,
'He's watching over us.'

The mother knew without a doubt
that what they spoke was true,

For she recalled their dad's last words,
' I will watch over you.'

The firemen's notes could not explain
the twisted, mangled car,

And how the three of them escaped
without a single scar.

But on the cop's report was scribed,
in print so very fine,

'An angel walked the beat tonight on Highway 109.'

The 7 Second Prayer, Just repeat this phrase and see how God moves.

'Lord, I love you and I need you, come into my heart, and bless my
family, my home, my friends, and me. Amen. '

He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare.

This morning when the Lord opened a window to Heaven, He saw me, and
He asked: 'My child, what is your greatest wish for today?' I responded:

'Lord please, take care of the person
Who is reading this message, their family and their special friends.
They deserve it and I love them very much.'

The love of God is like the ocean, you can see its beginning,
but not its end.

ANGELS EXIST but some times, since they don't all have wings, we call them 

(Funny!!!) If A Trucker Could…

Hallmark would make "Sorry, I forgot your name again?" cards.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your cab window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps".

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

St. Patrick's day would be celebrated every month.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a different camera angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every trucker would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Be Cautious About Giving Info to Census Workers

Short quick read.

This information is being distributed by the Dallas / Ft. Worth IBMer Organization to warn it's thousands of members of fraud associated with the 2010 Census (some pre-census activity is already underway). However, this warning is for ALL citizens so you may want to pass it on to everyone you know.

2010 Census Cautions
by Susan Johnson - August 3, 2009 12:07 PM

Be Cautious About Giving Info to Census Workers

With the U.S. Census process beginning, the Better Business Bureau (BBB) advises people to be cooperative, but cautious, so as not to become a victim of fraud or identity theft. The first phase of the 2010 U.S. Census is under way as workers have begun verifying the addresses of households across the country. Eventually, more than 140,000 U.S. Census workers will count every person in the United States and will gather information about every person living at each address including name, age, gender, race, and other relevant data. The big question is - how do you tell the difference between a U.S. Census worker and a con artist? BBB offers the following advice:

** If a U.S. Census worker knocks on your door, they will have a badge, a handheld device, a Census Bureau canvas bag, and a confidentiality notice. Ask to see their identification and their badge before answering their questions. However, you should never invite anyone you don’t know into your home.

** Census workers are currently only knocking on doors to verify address information. Do not give your Social Security number, credit card or banking information to anyone, even if they claim they need it for the U.S. Census. While the Census Bureau might ask for basic financial information, such as a salary range, it will not ask for Social Security, bank account, or credit card numbers nor will employees solicit donations.
Eventually, Census workers may contact you by telephone, mail, or in person at home. However, they will not contact you by Email, so be on the lookout for Email scams impersonating the Census.
Never click on a link or open any attachments in an Email that are supposedly from the U.S. Census Bureau.

For more advice on avoiding identity theft and fraud, visit

Kind Old Lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the 
Minister asked, 'How many of you have 
forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his 
question. All responded this time, 
except one small elderly lady.

'Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to 
forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling 

'Miss Joyce', that is very unusual. How 
old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please 
come down in front & tell us all how a 
person can live ninety-eight years & not 
have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered 
down the aisle, faced the 
congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'


Dear Mrs. Smith:

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Smith has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.  We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.  Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband  has caused.

All complaints against Mr. Smith have been compiled and are listed below.

Complaint Department

MEMO Re: Mr. Smith - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Smith has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15, Set up a tent in the camping department with a sign that read "Truck Stop - Rest Area" and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring food and beer from the Deli.

2. July 2, set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7, made a convoy with tomato juice cans on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19, When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

5. August 4, went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14, When a clerk asks if they can help him, he says yes, and then takes them to Receiving and tells the clerk to start unloading freight.

7. September 15, took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

8. September 23, While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

9. October 4, Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10, moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

11. December 3, In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 6, Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Convoy" theme.

13. December 18, Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,  yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21, walked up to an employee with a shopping cart full of items and asked her "where's the weigh station?"

 (And; last, but not least!).

15. December 23, Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Perspective is everything!

Comparing The Last Two Presidential Inaugurations, Perspective Is Everything!

Outgoing President George W. Bush quietly boards his helicopter and leaves for Texas, commenting only: "Today is not about me. Today is a historical day for our nation and people."

Eight years ago:

Outgoing President Bill Clinton schedules two separate radio addresses to the nation, and organizes a public farewell speech/rally in downtown Washington D.C. scheduled to directly conflict with incoming President Bush's inauguration ceremony.

Two weeks ago:

President Bush leaves office without issuing a single Presidential pardon, only granting a commutation of sentence to two former border patrol agents convicted of shooting a convicted drug smuggler. He does not grant any type of clemency to Scooter Libby or any other former political aide, ally, or business partner.

Eight years ago:

President Clinton issues 140 pardons and several commutations of sentence on his final day in office. Included in these are: billionaire financier, convicted tax evader, and leading Democratic campaign contributor Marc Rich; Whitwater scandal figure Susan McDougal; Congressional Post Office Scandal figure and former Democratic Congressman Dan Rostenkowski; convicted bank fraud, sexual assault and child porn perpetrator and former Democratic Congressman Melvin Reynolds.

Two weeks ago:

The Bush daughters leave gift baskets in the White House bedrooms for the Obama daughters, containing flowers, candy, stuffed animals, DVD's and CD's, and heartfelt notes of encouragement and advice for the young girls on how to prepare for their new lives in the White House.

Eight years ago:

Clinton and Gore staffers rip computer wires and electrical outlets from the White House walls, stuff piles of notebook papers into the White House toilets, systematically remove the letter "W" from every computer key-pad in the entire White House, and damage several thousand dollars worth of furniture in the White House master bedroom.

Eight years ago: Headlines On This Date 4 Years Ago:

"Republicans spending $42 million on inauguration while troops Die in unarmored Humvees" 
"Bush extravagance exceeds any reason during tough economic times" 
"Fat cats get their $42 million inauguration party, Ordinary Americans get the shaft"

Headlines two weeks ago:

"Historic Obama Inauguration will cost only $170 million"
"Obama Spends $170 million on inauguration; America Needs A Big Party"
"Everyman Obama shows America how to celebrate"
"Citibank executives contribute $8 million to Obama Inauguration"

Perspective is everything.....

Hot Chocolate

A group of graduates, well established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives. Offering his guests hot chocolate, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot chocolate and an assortment of cups - porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the hot chocolate. 

When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand, the professor said: 'Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. The cup that you're drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the hot chocolate. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups. 

Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have. 

Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the hot chocolate. 

The happiest people don't have to have the best of everything ... They just make the best of everything that they have. 

Enjoy your hot chocolate today!


I knew about the red light on cars, but not the *77. It was about 1:00 p.m. in the afternoon, and Lauren was driving to visit a friend. An UNMARKED police car pulled up behind her and put his lights on.. Lauren 's parents have always told her never to pull over for an unmarked car on the side of the road, but rather to wait until they get to a gas station, etc.

Lauren had actually listened to her parents advice, and promptly called *77 on her cell phone to tell the police dispatcher that she would not pull over right away. She proceeded to tell the dispatcher that there was an unmarked police car with a flashing red light on his rooftop behind her. The dispatcher checked to see if there were police cars where she was and there weren't, and he told her to keep driving, remain calm and that he had back up already on the way.

Ten minutes later 4 cop cars surrounded her and the unmarked car behind her. One policeman went to her side and the others surrounded the car behind. They pulled the guy from the car and tackled him to the ground. The man was a convicted rapist and wanted for other crimes.

I never knew about the *77 Cell Phone Feature, but especially for a woman alone in a car, you should not pull over for an unmarked car.. Apparently police have to respect your right to keep going to a safe & quiet place. You obviously need to make some signals that you acknowledge them (i.e. put on your hazard lights) or call *77 like Lauren did.

Too bad the cell phone companies don't generally give you this little bit of wonderful information. 
Speaking to a service representative at Bell Mobility confirmed that *77 was a direct link to state trooper info. So, now it's your turn to let your friends know about *77.

Send this to every woman (and person) you know; it may save a life.

This applies to ALL 50 states.

GPS and Mobile Phones

Please share this with your love one and friends, too important to ignore!

This gives us something to think about with all our new electronic technology.


A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that someone she knew had their car broken into while they were at a football match. Their car was parked on the green which was adjacent to the football stadium and specially allotted to football fans. Things stolen from the car included a garage door remote control, some money and a GPS which had been prominently mounted on the dashboard.

When the victims got home, they found that their house had been ransacked and just about everything worth anything had been stolen.

The thieves had used the GPS to guide them to the house. They then used the garage remote control to open the garage door and gain entry to the house. The thieves knew the owners were at the football game, they knew what time the game was scheduled to finish and so they knew how much time they had to clean up the house. It would appear that they had brought a truck to empty the house of its contents.


I never thought of this.......

This lady has now changed her habit of how she lists her names on her mobile phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag, which contained her cell phone, credit card, wallet... Etc.... Was stolen.

20 minutes later when she called her hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had happened, hubby says 'I received your text asking about our Pin number and I've replied a little while ago.'

When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn. The thief had actually used the stolen cell phone to text 'hubby' in the contact list and got hold of the pin number. Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from their bank account.

Moral of the lesson:

Do not disclose the relationship between you and the people in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Hone, Hubby, Sweetheart, Dad, Mom, etc.... And very importantly, when sensitive info is being asked through texts, CONFIRM by calling back. Also, when you're being text by friends or family to meet them somewhere, be sure to call back to confirm that the message came from them. If you don't reach them, be very careful about going places to meet 'family and friends' who text you.


* I never thought about THAT! As of now, I no longer have 'home' listed on my cell phone.

Moral/Ethical Dilemma - Part of a Job Application

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS......................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

A Driving School Test

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school. 

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

Man Wants to be a Woman

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while 
his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he 

'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while 
my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine 
for a day.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's 

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as 
a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, 
Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the 

Then, it was already 1:00 P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds, 
Do the laundry, vacuum,


And sweep and mop the kitchen floor..

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got 
into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids 
organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV 
while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing 
vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and 
snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids,

And put them to bed.

At 9:00 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores 
weren't finished, he went to bed where he was 
expected to make love, which he managed to get 
through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by 
the bed and said: - 

'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to 
stay home all day.

Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.


The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson 
and I will be happy to change things back to the 
way they were. 

You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.' 

Someone Out There Is Deadly At Scrabble

(Wait till you see the last one)!

When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARTER

When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE


When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER


The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's.

'May I help you?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,' said the madam.

'No. I must see Valerie,' was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no man had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'

The man replied, 'South Dakota.'

'Really!' she said. 'I have family in South Dakota.'

'I know,' the man said. 'Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 
1. Death 
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Low Bridge Ahead

A trucker driving along on the freeway notices a road sign in the distance that reads 'Low Bridge Ahead.'

Sure enough, the trucker gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police officer arrives at the scene. The cop gets out of his cruiser and walks around to the truck driver. He puts his hands on his hips and remarks, "Looks like you got stuck, huh?"

The trucker replies sarcastically, "No, officer, actually I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas!"

A Well-Planned Retirement

Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40), £5 for busses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payrole.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars!

And no one even knows his name.

Subject: Police Warning...New Way Criminals Carjack (Not A Joke)

Warning..!!!! Warning..!!!! Warning..!!!!

Just last weekend on Friday night we parked in a public parking area. As we drove away I noticed a sticker on the rear window of the car. When I took it off after I got home, it was a receipt for gas. Luckily my friend told me not to stop as it could be someone waiting for me to get out of the car Then we received this email yesterday:




Heads up everyone! Please, keep this circulating... You walk across the parking lot, unlock your car and get inside. You start the engine and shift into Reverse.

When you look into the rearview mirror to back out of your parking space, you notice a piece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window. So, you shift into Park, unlock your doors, and jump out of your car to remove that paper (or whatever it is) that is obstructing your view. When you reach the back of your car, that is when the carjackers appear out of nowhere, jump into your car and take off. They practically mow you down as they speed off in your car.

And guess what, ladies? I bet your purse is still in the car.  So now the carjacker has your car, your home address, your money, and your keys. Your home and your whole identity are now compromised!


If you see a piece of paper stuck to your back window, just drive away. Remove the paper later. And be thankful that you read this e-mail.. I hope you will forward this to friends and family, especially to women. A purse contains all kinds of personal information and identification documents, and you certainly do NOT want this to fall into the wrong hands.

Please keep this going and tell all your family and friends

When A Trucker Goes To Court

Lawyers should never ask a trucker a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.  In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandfatherly man to the stand. He approached him and asked, 'Mr. Jones, do you know me?' He responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mr. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

He again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,  "If either of you idiots asks him if he knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."


Law of Mechanical Repair: 
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: 
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability: 
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: 
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: 
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: 
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath: 
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: 
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: 
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: 
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre: 
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: 
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Lockers: 
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets: 
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: 
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: 
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: 
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: 
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: 
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Live Backwards

I want to live my next life backwards. You start out dead and get
that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling
better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go
collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally
promiscuous, and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, and then... You spend your
last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters
every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.


You always hear the usual stories of pennies on the sidewalk being good luck, gifts from angels, etc. This is the first time I've ever heard this twist on the story. Gives you something to think about.

Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house.

The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live. The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely.

As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment.

Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny.

He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up?

Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value.

A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?

"Look at it." He said. "Read what it says." She read the words " United States of America " 
"No, not that; read further." 
"One cent?" "No, keep reading." 
"In God we Trust?" "Yes!" "And?" 
"And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin."

Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it!

God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!

When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, "In God We Trust," and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message.

It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful! And, God is patient...

Thought for the Day:

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

He sends you flowers every spring.

He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!

Send this to every "beautiful person" you wish to bless.

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Inspirational - What Goes Around Comes Around

One day a man saw an old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her.

Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe; he looked poor and hungry.

He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was that chill which only fear can put in you.

He said, 'I'm here to help you, ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson.'

Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt.

As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Bryan never thought twice about being paid. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty, who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way.

He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, 'And think of me.'

He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight.

A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Bryan .

After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill. The waitress quickly went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, but the old lady had slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be. Then she noticed something written on the napkin.

There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: 'You don't owe me anything. I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do: Do not let this chain of love end with you.'

Under the napkin were four more $100 bills.

Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written. How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard....

She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, 'Everything's going to be all right. I love you, Bryan Anderson.'

There is an old saying 'What goes around comes around.'

The Man, The Boy & Their Donkey

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

So they then decided they'd both walk!  Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey.  Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone,

You might as well...

Kiss your ass goodbye!

Have A Nice Day & Be Careful With Your Donkey

No Nursing Home For This Trucker

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a luxury liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.  I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last  four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".

So, there will be no nursing home in my future for this trucker. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Cruise and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).

3. The ship has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?

The ship will be ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side -- at no charge.

Ten Reasons To leave Your Truck in Primer

10. You can wash it with Comet.

9. You don't have to buy a truck cover.

8. You can buy primer at the grocery store and paint your truck in the parking lot.

7. You can park your truck anywhere without worrying about getting door dings.

6. You can stand on the roof and get a good look at what's going on around you.

5. You don't have to worry as much about it getting stolen.

4. You don't have to spend sleepless nights trying to decide what color to paint it. 

3. If you forget lawn chairs, you can sit on the fenders.

2. You don't have to do the bodywork until you're good and ready.

1. You can use a pencil to do your pinstriping, lettering or graphics. If you need to remember a phone number, you can write it on the fender.

Neighborhood Watch Safety Info

Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or a loved one's life.

Crucial - Because of recent abductions in daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation. 

This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you know. 

After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. 

It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do : 

The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do! 

2. Learned this from a tourist guide.

If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. 

Toss it away from you... Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. 


3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives. 

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS!) 

The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. 


If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, Repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! 

Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. 

Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it . As soon as the car crashes bail out and run.  It is better than having them find your body in a remote location. 

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage: 

A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor , and in the back seat 

B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. 

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side... If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. 

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.) 

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT! 

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern! 

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP 

It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. 

He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

9. Another Safety Point:  Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her 
'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' 

The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' 

He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night. 

10. Water scam!  If you wake up in the middle of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your outside taps full ball so that you will go out to investigate and then attack.

Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbors!

Please pass this on.  This message should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby Theory was mentioned on America 's Most Wanted when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. 

Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better to be safe than sorry.

Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or love one's life.

Unknown Author

The Secret of a Long Marriage


A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?

Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

Death and Taxes

The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets." (Will Rogers)

"The wages of sin are death, but after they take the taxes out, it's more like a tired feeling." (Paula Poundstone)

"Of life's two certainties, at least you can get an extension for taxes." (Unknown)

Here's another certainty where death and taxes are concerned: My tax burden is killing me.

Our country's founders had harsh words on government funding:

"What at first was plunder assumed the softer name of revenue." (Thomas Paine)

"I cannot lay my finger on that article of the Constitution which granted a right to Congress of expending, on objects of benevolence, the money of their constituents." (James Madison)

"It would be a hard government that should tax its people one-tenth part of their income." (Ben Franklin)

Aphorism: A Short, Pointed Sentence Expressing a Wise of Clever Observation or a General Truth; Adage

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!

20. Always be yourself. Because the people who matter, don't mind. And the ones who mind, don't matter.

To Those of You Born 1930 - 1979

At the end there is a quote of the month by Jay Leno. If you don't read anything else, please read what he said.

Very well stated, Mr. Leno.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?

Because we were always outside playing...that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

'With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

The Power of "Attitude"

Michael is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say.

When someone would ask him how he was doing, he'd reply, "if I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, Michael was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Michael and asked him, "I don't get it!  You can't be a positive person all of the time.  How do you do it?

Michael replied, " Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today.  You can choose to be in a good mood or .... you can choose to be in a bad mood.  I choose to be in a good mood.

Each time something bad happens, I choose to be a victim or... I can choose to learn from it.  I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life.  I choose the positive side of life.

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy,"  I protested.  "Yes, it is,"  Michael said.  "Life is all about choices.  when you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice.

You choose how you react to situations.  You choose how people affect your mood.  You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood.  the bottom line: it's your choice how you live your life."

Truckers Never Quit

"When things go wrong as they sometimes will 
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill. 
When funds are low and the debts are high. 
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh. 
When care is pressing you down a bit. 
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit. 
Life is queer with its twists and turns. 
As everyone of us sometimes learns. 
And many a failure turns about 
When he might have won had he stuck it out:

Don't give up though the pace seems slow - 
You may succeed with another blow. 
Success is failure turned inside out - 
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt. 
And you never can tell how close you are. 
It may be near when it seems so far: 
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit 
It's when things seem worst that you must not QUIT.

Author unknown

The price of Gas versus Printer Ink

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....

You will be really shocked by the last one!

Compared with Gasoline......

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ...... $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source

(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink.

Someone calculated the cost of the ink at...............(you won't believe it....but it is true........)
$5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or Printer Ink!

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of our next trip to the pump.

Inspirational - Worth It!

We all know or knew someone like this!!

One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school.

His name was Kyle.

It looked like he was carrying all of his books.

I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday?

He must really be a nerd.'

I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.

As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him.

They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt.

His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him...

He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes

My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.

As I handed him his glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks.'

They really should get lives.

' He looked at me and said, 'Hey thanks!'

There was a big smile on his face.

It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.

I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived.

As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before.

He said he had gone to private school before now.

I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.

We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books.

He turned out to be a pretty cool kid.

I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends

He said yes.

We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.

Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.

I stopped him and said, 'Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!

' He just laughed and handed me half the books.

Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.

When we were seniors we began to think about college.

Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke.

I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem.

He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship.

Kyle was valedictorian of our class.

I teased him all the time about being a nerd.

He had to prepare a speech for graduation.

I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak

Graduation day, I saw Kyle.

He looked great.

He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school.

He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.

He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.

Boy, sometimes I was jealous!

Today was one of those days.

I could see that he was nervous about his speech.

So, I smacked him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be great!'

He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.

' Thanks,' he said.

As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began

'Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.

Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends....

I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them.

I am going to tell you a story.'

I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the first day we met. 

He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.

He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.

He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.

'Thankfully, I was saved.

My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable..'

I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment.

I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.

Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.

Never underestimate the power of your actions..

With one small gesture you can change a person's life. 

For better or for worse. 

God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way.

Look for God in others.

The Best Trucking Story Of The Month

A drunken man walks into a trucker's bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, trucker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.

Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The trucker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one mean trucker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:

'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The trucker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the trucker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,

'I'll tell you something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!'

At this point the trucker stands up, 

takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says..

'Grandpa;....... Go home!

You're drunk!

Boiling Water

Microwaving Water!

A 26-year old man decided to have a cup of coffee. He took a cup of water and put it in the microwave to heat it up (something that he had done numerous times before). I am not sure how long he set the timer for, but he wanted to bring the water to a boil. When the timer shut the oven off, he removed the cup from the oven. As he looked into the cup, he noted that the! water was not boiling, but suddenly the water in the cup "blew up" into his face. The cup remained intact until he threw it out of his hand, but all the water had flown out into his face due to the build up of energy. His whole face is blistered and he has 1st and 2nd degree burns to his face which may leave scarring.

He also may have lost partial sight in his left eye. While at the hospital, the doctor who was attending to him stated that this is a fairly common occurrence and water (alone) should never be heated in a microwave oven. If water is heated in this manner, something should be placed in the cup to diffuse the energy such as a wooden stir stick, tea bag, etc., (nothing metal).

It is however a much safer choice to boil the water in a tea kettle.

Manufacture's Response:

Thanks for contacting us, I will be happy to assist you. The e-mail that you received is correct. Micro waved water and other liquids do not always bubble when they reach the boiling point. They can actually get superheated and not bubble at all. The superheated liquid will bubble up out of the cup when it is moved or when something like a spoon or tea bag is put into it.

To prevent this from happening and causing injury, do not heat any liquid for more than two minutes per cup. After heating, let the cup stand in the microwave for thirty seconds! before moving it or adding anything into it.

Here is what our local science teacher had to say on the matter: "Thanks for the microwave warning. I have seen this happen before. It is caused by a phenomenon known as super heating. It can occur anytime water is heated and will particularly occur if the vessel that the water is heated in is new, or when heating a small amount of water (less than half a cup).

What happens is that the water heats faster than the vapor bubbles can form. If the cup is very new then it is unlikely to have small surface scratches inside it that provide a place for the bubbles to form. As the bubbles cannot form and release some of the heat has built up, the liquid does not boil, and the liquid continues to heat up well past its boiling point.

What then usually happens is that the liquid is bumped or jarred, which is just enough of a shock to cause the bubbles to rapidly form and expel the hot liquid. The rapid formation of bubbles is also why a carbonated beverage spews when opened after having been shaken."

If you pass this on you could very well save someone from a lot of pain and suffering.



*545 PEOPLE - By Charlie Reese - Charley Reese has been a journalist for 49 years.

Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

Have you ever wondered why, *if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, 
WHY do we have deficits?*

Have you ever wondered why, *if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do
we have inflation and high taxes?*

You and I don't propose a federal budget. The president does.

You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of 
Representatives does.

You and I don't write the tax code, Congress does.

You and I don't set fiscal policy, Congress does.

You and I don't control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president, and nine Supreme Court justices 
545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible 
for the domestic problems that plague this country.

I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank.

I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason. They have no legal authority.

They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a president to do one cotton-picking
thing. I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power 
to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator's responsibility to 
determine how he votes.

Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not 
their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.

What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No 
normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President 
for creating deficits. The president can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress 
to accept it.

The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes.

Who is the speaker of the House? Nancy Pellocci.  She is the leader of the majority party. She and fellow House members, not the president, can approve any budget they want. If the president vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.

It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million can not replace 545 people who stand 
convicted -- by present facts -- of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can't think of a single
domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the 
plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow 
that what exists is what they want to exist.

If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair.

If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red.

If the Army & Marines are in IRAQ , it's because they want them in IRAQ.

If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, 
it's because they want it that way.

There are no insoluble government problems.

Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they 
can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give 
the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power. Above all, do not let them con 
you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like "the economy," "inflation," or "politics" that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.

Those 545 people, and they alone, are responsible.

They, and they alone, have the power.

They, and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses.

Provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees.

We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!

Charlie Reese is a former columnist of the Orlando Sentinel Newspaper.

What you do with this article now that you have read it is up to you, though you appear to have 
several choices.

1. You can send this to everyone in your address book, and hope "they" do something about it.

2. You can agree to "vote against" everyone that is currently in office, knowing that the process 
will take several years.

3. You can decide to "run for office" yourself and agree to do the job properly.

4. Lastly, you can sit back and do nothing, or re-elect the current bunch.

Keep Your Chin Up And Don't Let 'Em Get You Down!

Someone clipped out this story and saved in a desk drawer many, many years ago when he was a kid - how true it always still is! Keep your chin up and don't let 'em get you down! :-)

A man lived by the side of the road and sold hot dogs. He was hard of hearing, so he had no radio. He had trouble with his eyes, so he had no newspaper. But he sold good hot dogs.

He put up a sign on the highway telling how good they were. He stood by the side of the road and yelled, 'Buy a hot dog, mister.' And people bought. He increased his meat and bun order, and he bought a bigger stove to take care of his trade. He got his son home from college to help him. But then something happened.

His son said, 'Father, haven't you been listening to the radio? There's a big depression on, the international situation is terrible, and the domestic situation is even worse.' Whereupon the father thought, 'Well, my son has been to college. He listens to the radio and he reads the papers, so he ought to know.'

So the father cut down on the bun order, took down his advertising signs, and no longer bothered to stand on the side of the highway to sell hot dogs.

His hot dog sales fell almost overnight. 'You were right, son,' said the father to the boy, 'We are certainly in the middle of a great depression!'

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Note on Refrigerator

Note Found on the Refrigerator One Morning

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the
Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he
found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, 
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this
opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of
my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.  As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference- 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Trucking On The Highway

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride.

A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway.

Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

Only Great Minds Can Read This

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheear at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

Two Stories BOTH TRUE - and Worth Reading!!!!


Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago.  Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was Capone's lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.

To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but Eddie got special dividends, as well. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the
conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.

Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him.

Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object.

And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was.

Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done. He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished
name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great. So, he testified.

Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street.  But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay. Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine.

The poem read:

"The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell
just when the hands will stop, at late or early hour. Now is the only
time you own. Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time. For
the clock may soon be still."


World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific.

One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship. His flight leader told him to return to the carrier.  Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet. 

As he was returning to the mother ship, he saw something that turned his blood cold; a squadron of Japanese aircraft was speeding its way toward the American fleet. The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger. There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet.

Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and
out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.

Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible, rendering them unfit to fly. 

Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction. Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.

Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft.

This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of WW II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Medal of Honor.

A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29. His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.

So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.


Butch O'Hare was "Easy Eddie's" son. (Pretty cool, eh!)


Please take a minute to read this. This is very scary and could happen to any of us.. Seems like every nice thing people do for one another can be perverted. A new twist on kidnapping from a very smart survivor: 

About a month ago there was a woman standing by the mall entrance passing out flyers to all the women going in. The woman had written the flyer herself to tell about an experience she had, so that she might warn other women. The previous day, this woman had finished shopping, went out to her car and discovered that she had a flat. 

She got the jack out of the trunk and began to change the flat. A nice man dressed in a business suit and carrying a briefcase walked up to her and said, "I noticed you're changing a flat tire. 

Would you like me to take care of it for you?" The woman was Grateful for his offer and accepted his help. 

They chatted amiably while the man changed the flat, and then put the flat tire and the jack in the trunk, shut it and dusted his hands off. 

The woman thanked him profusely, and as she was about to get in her car, the man told her that he left his car around on the other side of the mall, and asked if she would mind giving him a lift to his car. 

She was a little surprised and she asked him why his car was on other side. 

He explained that he had seen an old friend in the mall that he hadn't seen for some time and they had a bite to eat, visited for a while, and he got turned around in the mall and left through the wrong exit, and now he was running late. The woman hated to tell him "no" because he had just rescued her from having to change her flat tire all by herself, but she felt uneasy. (Trust that gut feeling!

Then she remembered seeing the man put his briefcase in her trunk before shutting it and before he asked her for a ride to his car. 

She told him that she'd be happy to drive him around to his car, But she just remembered one last thing she needed to buy. (Smart woman!!

She said she would only be a few minutes; he could sit down in her car and wait for her; she would be as quick as she could be. 

She hurried into the mall, and told a security guard what had happened, the guard came out to her car with her, but the man had left. They opened the trunk, took out his locked briefcase and took it down to the police station. 

The police opened it (ostensibly to look for ID so they could return it to the man). What they found was rope, duct tape, and knives. When the police checked her "flat" tire, there was nothing wrong with it; the air had simply been let out. It was obvious what the man's intention was, and obvious that he had carefully thought it out in advance. The woman was blessed to have escaped harm. (Amen...thank you, God!

How much worse it would have been if she had children with her and had them wait in the car while the man fixed the tire, or if she had a baby strapped into a car seat? Or if she'd gone against her judgment and given him a lift? 

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. 

Discuss it with any woman you know that may need to be reminded that 

The world we live in has a lot of crazies in it. Better to be safe than sorry.


I Wish You Enough!

Recently I overheard a Father and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the Father said, 'I love you, and I wish you enough.'

The daughter replied, 'Dad, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Dad.'

They kissed and the daughter left. The Father walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'

'Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?'

'I am old, and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,' he said.

'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?'

He began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone..' He paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.' Then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good- bye.

He then began to cry and walked away. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them; but then an entire life to forget them.




Heads up everyone! Please, keep this circulating...

You walk across the parking lot, unlock your car and get inside.  You start the engine and shift into Reverse.

When you look into the rearview mirror to back out of your parking space, you notice a piece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window. So, you shift into Park, unlock your doors, and jump out of your car to remove that paper (or whatever it is) that is obstructing your view.

When you reach the back of your car, that is when the car jackers appear out of nowhere, jump into your car and take off.

They practically mow you down as they speed off in your car. And guess what, ladies? I bet your purse is still in the car. 
So now the car jacker has your car, your home address, your money, and your keys. Your home and your whole identity are now compromised!

A purse contains all kinds of personal information and identification documents, and you certainly do NOT want this to fall into the wrong hands.

Please pass this message on to your friends and family, especially to women.

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- 'You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. 

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:  Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - Wives that love sex.

The 2nd through 6th floors have never been visited.

Wise Words to Consider

During these political times let's be reminded of these wise words...

You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.

You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.

You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.

You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.

You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.

~ Abraham Lincoln ~

Job Performance Terms And Real Meanings:

1. Great Presentation Skills - Able to BS
2. Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone
3. Average Employee - Not too bright
4. Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet
5. Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date
6. Active Socially - Drinks a lot
7. Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too
8. Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does
9. Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
10. Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
11. Aggressive - Obnoxious
12. Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it
13. Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English
14. Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker
15. Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice
16. Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky
17. Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
18. Career Minded - Back Stabber
19. Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else

Early Fishing

I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.  I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible!'

My loving wife of twenty years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know if she was joking.

A Dog's Purpose (from a 6-year-old)

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle. 

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. 

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience. 

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker 's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. 

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, 'I know why.' 

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. 

He said, 'People are born so that they can learn how to live a good Life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?' The Six-year-old continued, 'Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.' 

Live simply. 

Love generously. 

Care deeply. 

Speak kindly. 

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like: 

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. 

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. 

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy. 

Take naps. 

Stretch before rising. 

Run, romp, and play daily. 

Thrive on attention and let people touch you. 

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. 

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. 

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. 

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. 

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not. 

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. 

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.


Estate Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. A bit of a braggart, he approached her and began a conversation. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

The Wedding Night

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon,

so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning,

Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and 
Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!

Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,

'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!

Eat your lunch and go back to school'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 

'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...

I gave him my airplane glue.'

The Woman Sneezes Again and Again

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

Where To Buy Your USA-Gas

As we travel, it'll be fun to find the right gas stations..!!!!!! read on...


Gas rationing in the 80's worked even though we grumbled about it.

It might even be good for us!

The Saudis are boycotting American goods.

We should return the favor.

An interesting thought is to boycott their GAS.

Every time you fill up the car, you can avoid putting more money into the coffers of Saudi Arabia Just buy from gas companies that don't import their oil from the Saudis.

Nothing is more frustrating than the feeling that every time I fill-up the tank, I am sending my money to people who are trying to kill me, my family, and my friends.

I thought it might be interesting for you to know which oil companies are the best to buy gas from and which major companies import Middle Eastern oil.

These companies import Middle Eastern oil:

Shell..........................205,742,000 barrels

Chevron/Texaco.........144,332,000 barrels

Exxon /Mobil..............130,082,000 barrels

Marathon/Speedway...117,740,000 barrels

Amoco..........................62,231,000 barrels

Citgo Gas comes from South America , from a Dictator who hates Americans.

Do the math at $30/barrel, these imports amount to over $18 BILLION! (Oil is now $90-$95 a barrel)

Here are some large companies that

DO NOT import Middle Eastern oil:

Sunoco................ 0 barrels

Conoco................ 0 barrels

Sinclair................ 0 barrels

BP/Phillips........... 0 barrels

Hess.................... 0 barrels

ARC0................... 0 barrels

All of this information is available from the Department of Energy and each is required to state where they get their oil and how much they are importing.

But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of gas buyers. It's really simple to do.

Now, don't wimp out at this point.... keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!!

Sending this message to about thirty people.

If each of you send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300)... and

those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000) .. and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers !!!!!!!

If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted!

If it goes one level further, you guessed it ..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!

Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people. How long would all that take?

If each of us sends this message out to ten more people within one day, all 300 MILLION people could conceivably be contacted within the next eight days!

Where Did The White Man Go Wrong

Indian Chief, 'Two Eagles,' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.' The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water; Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex.'  Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that.

Alcohol Is Bad For Your Legs

Trucker goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself...
Trucker: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.' 
Trucker: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?' 
Maxine: 'No, they spread.'

The Month After Christmas

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist. 
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!


Promise Yourself in 2010:

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only the best, to work only for the best and expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

The Optimist Clubs Of America

Inspirational - Red Marbles

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

'Hello Barry, how are you today?'

'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good.'

'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?'

'Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.'

'Good. Anything I can help you with?'

'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas.'

'Would you like to take some home?' asked Mr. Miller.

'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.'

'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?'

'All I got's my prize marble here.'

'Is that right? Let me see it' said Miller.

'Here 'tis. She's a dandy.'

'I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?' the store owner asked.

'Not zackley but almost..'

'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble'. Mr. Miller told the boy.

'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.'

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, 'There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.'

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado , but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.

Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died.

They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.

Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size....they came to pay their debt.'

'We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,' she confided, 'but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho.'

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

The Moral : We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath..

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~ A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself...An unexpected phone call from an old friend...Green stoplights on your way to work...The fastest line at the grocery store...A good sing-along song on the radio...Your keys found right where you left them.


Truckers Never Quit

"When things go wrong as they sometimes will 
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill. 
When funds are low and the debts are high. 
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh. 
When care is pressing you down a bit. 
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit. 
Life is queer with its twists and turns. 
As everyone of us sometimes learns. 
And many a failure turns about 
When he might have won had he stuck it out:

Don't give up though the pace seems slow - 
You may succeed with another blow. 
Success is failure turned inside out - 
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt. 
And you never can tell how close you are. 
It may be near when it seems so far: 
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit 
It's when things seem worst that you must not QUIT.

Author unknown

Santa's New Contract

Christmas will be here in a few days, but regrettably, Santa was forced to sign a new contract. Here is a letter from Santa Claus addressing his amended duties. Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the current, overwhelming population of Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . . " when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you are also likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh has a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The last I heard, the sleigh also had other decorations on back as well. One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters, and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming Town." This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will include Mark Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," and "Grandma Got Run'd Over By a Reindeer."

Santa Claus
Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209

Inspirational - This is quite an enjoyable story with lots to think about after reading:

A drunken man in an Oldsmobile
they said had run the light.

That caused the six-car pileup
on 109 that night.

When broken bodies lay about
and blood was everywhere,

The sirens screamed out eulogies,
for death was in the air.

A mother, trapped inside her car,
was heard above the noise,

Her plaintive plea near split the air,
'Oh, God, please spare my boys!'

She fought to loose her pinned hands,
she struggled to get free,

But mangled metal held her fast
in grim captivity.

Her frightened eyes then focused
on where the back seat once had been,

But all she saw was broken glass and
two children's seats crushed in.

Her twins were nowhere to be seen,
she did not hear them cry,

And then she prayed they'd been thrown free,
'Oh, God, don't let them die!

Then firemen came and cut her loose,
but when they searched the back,

They found therein no little boys,
but the seat belts were intact.

They thought the woman had gone mad
and was traveling alone,

But when they turned to question her,
they discovered she was gone.

Policemen saw her running wild
and screaming above the noise

In beseeching supplication,
'Please help me find my boys!'

'They're four years old and wear blue shirts,
their jeans are blue to match.'

One cop spoke up, 'They're in my car,
and they don't have a scratch.'

'They said their daddy put them there,
and gave them each a cone,

'Then told them both to wait for Mom
to come and take them home.'

'I've searched the area high and low,
but I can't find their dad.'

'He must have fled the scene,
I guess, and that is very bad.'

The mother hugged the twins and said,
while wiping at a tear,

'He could not flee the scene, you see,
for he's been dead a year.'

The cop just looked confused and asked,
'Now, how can that be true?

'The boys said, 'Mommy, Daddy came
and left a kiss for you.'

'He told us not to worry
and that you would be all right,

'And then he put us in this car with
the pretty, flashing light.

'We wanted him to stay with us,
because we miss him so,

'But Mommy, he just hugged us tight
and said he had to go.'

'He said someday we'd understand
and told us not to fuss,

'And he said to tell you, Mommy,
'He's watching over us.'

The mother knew without a doubt
that what they spoke was true,

For she recalled their dad's last words,
' I will watch over you.'

The firemen's notes could not explain
the twisted, mangled car,

And how the three of them escaped
without a single scar.

But on the cop's report was scribed,
in print so very fine,

'An angel walked the beat tonight on Highway 109.'

The 7 Second Prayer, Just repeat this phrase and see how God moves.

'Lord, I love you and I need you, come into my heart, and bless my
family, my home, my friends, and me. Amen. '

He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare.

This morning when the Lord opened a window to Heaven, He saw me, and
He asked: 'My child, what is your greatest wish for today?' I responded:

'Lord please, take care of the person
Who is reading this message, their family and their special friends.
They deserve it and I love them very much.'

The love of God is like the ocean, you can see its beginning,
but not its end.

ANGELS EXIST but some times, since they don't all have wings, we call them 

A Trucker's New Corvette

A retired Florida trucker drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110 , then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old trucker paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

How Much Do You Pay For Gas?

On April 24, 2008, I stopped at Gas Station, located in Cartersville, GA.  My truck's gas gauge was on 1/4 of a tank. I use the mid-grade, which was priced at $3.71 per gallon. When my tank is at this point, it takes somewhere around 14 gallon's to fill it up.

When the pump showed 14 gallons had been pumped I began to slow it down, then to my surprise it went to 15, then 16. I even looked under my truck to see if it was being spilled. It was not. Then it showed 17 gallons had been pumped. It stopped at almost 18 gallons.

This was very strange to me, since my truck has only an 18 gallon tank. I went on my way a little confused, then on the evening news I heard a report that 1 out of 4 gas stations had calibrated their pumps to show more gas had been pumped than a person actually got.

Here is how to check a pump to see if you are getting the right amount:

Whichever grade you are using, put EXACTLY 10 GALLONS in your tank, then look at the dollar amount, if the dollar amount is not EXACTLY 10 times the price of the fuel you have chosen, then the pumps are rigged.

In my case as I said the mid-grade was $3.71 9/10 per gallon, my dollar amount for 10 gallons should have been $37.19. If I had only checked the pump. It doesn't matter where you pump gas, please check the 10 gallon price.

If you do find a station that is cheating, contact the proper authorities. We need to put a stop to this outrageous cheating of customers. The gas companies are making enough profits at honest rates.

Unknown Author

To Be 6 Again....

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of cereal, and then took her to Six
Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Good Rules To Follow (Unknown Publisher)

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives!

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN! .. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.

Inspirational - The Old Phone On The Wall

When I was a young boy, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone's number and the correct time.

My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy.

I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. 

"Information, please" I said into the mouthpiece just above my head.

A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.


"I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.

"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.

"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.

"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.


I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."

"Can you open the icebox?" she asked.

I said I could.

"Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.

After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math.

She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, "Information Please," and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?"

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, " Wayne , always remember that there are other worlds to sing in."

Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please."

"Information," said in the now familiar voice. "How do I spell fix?"  I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest . When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston . I missed my friend very much.

"Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.

Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle . I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information Please."

Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.


I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?"

There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now."

I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?"

I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your call meant to me.

I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls."

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.

"Please do", she said. "Just ask for Sally."

Three months later I was back in Seattle . A different voice answered, 

"Information." I asked for Sally.

"Are you a friend?" she said.

"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, "She said. "Sally had been working part time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago."

Before I could hang up, she said, "Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne ?"

"Yes." I answered.

"Well, Sally left a message for you.

She wrote it down in case you called.

Let me read it to you."

The note said,  "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean."

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.

Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.

Whose life have you touched today?

Why not pass this on? I just did....

Lifting you on eagle's wings.

May you find the joy and peace you long for.

Life is a journey... NOT a guided tour.

I Just Switched To Water!

We all know that water is important, but I've never seen it written down like this before.

1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated (likely applies to half the world's population).

2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.

3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.

4. One glass of water shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.

5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.

8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?


Have a seat . . relax . . and read this slowly. This sums it all up.

I believe - . . that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe - . . that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe - . that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe - . . that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe - . . that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe - . . that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe - . . that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe - . . that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I believe - . . that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe - . . that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe - . . that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe - . . that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe - . . that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe - . . that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe . . that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe - . . that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe - . . that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe - . . that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe - . . that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe - . . that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe - . . that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe - . . that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe - . . that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you -you will find the strength to help.

I believe - . . that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe - . . that you should share this with the people you love.

Jury Duty Scam

This has been verified by the FBI (their link is also included below). Please pass this on to everyone you know.  It is spreading fast so be prepared should you get this call. Most of us take those summonses for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip out on their civic duty, that a new and ominous kind of fraud has surfaced.

The caller claims to be a jury coordinator. If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Give out any of this information and bingo; your identity was just stolen.

The fraud has been reported so far in 11 states, including Oklahoma , Illinois , and Colorado . This (swindle) is particularly insidious because they use intimidation over the phone to try to bully people into giving information by pretending they are with the court system. The FBI and the federal court system have issued nationwide alerts on their web sites, warning consumers about the fraud.

Check it out here:

Simple Rules

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear.

FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Now, here's the FUN part!

Share this message with your family and friends!

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030..

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent..

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

I Love This Country!
It's The Government That Scares Me!

Happy Thanksgiving Holiday!!!


Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out


In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.


Count your blessings instead of your crosses;

Count your gains instead of your losses.

Count your joys instead of your woes;

Count your friends instead of your foes.

Count your smiles instead of your tears;

Count your courage instead of your tears. 

Count your full years instead of your lean;

Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.

Count your health instead of your wealth;

Count on God instead of yourself.

Be Nice to Truckers!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, & a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers pulled up. 

They came in, and one grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger out of his hand and took a huge bite from it. The second biker drank the trucker's coffee, & the third biker wolfed down the apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word, just paid the cashier & left.

When he was gone, the bikers snickered & congratulated each other for being such bad asses. As the cashier walked up, a biker growled, "He ain't much of a man is he?" 

"He's not much of a driver neither," replied the cashier. "He just backed his 18 wheeler over five motorcycles."

The Job Application!

This job application was submitted by someone at a fast food establishment. They hired him!

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.


LAST POSITION HELD - Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY - Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.



PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?


DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes

DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.


SIGN HERE Scorpio with Libra rising.

Bear Removers

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.

When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles with his jaw and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Take Time

Take time to think-
It is the source of all power.

Take time to read-
It is the fountain of wisdom.

Take time to play-
It is the source of perpetual youth.

Take time to be quiet-
It is the opportunity to seek God.

Take time to be aware-
It is the opportunity to help others.

Take time to love and be loved-
It is God’s greatest gift.

Take time to laugh-
It is the music of the soul.

Take time to be friendly-
It is the road to happiness.

Take time to dream-
It is what the future is made of.

Take time to pray-
It is the greatest power on earth.

Take time to give-
It is too short a day to be selfish.

Take time to work-
It is the price of success.

There is a time for everything. . . .[Ecclesiastes 3:1-8]Bible


VETERANS DAY (by Father Denis Edward O'Brien, USMC)

It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press.

It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech.

It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.

It is the soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.
Click - A Tribute To Our Veterans And Soldiers!!!

Whether Democrat or Republican, I Think You'll Get A Kick Out Of This!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class

while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

Never Ever Be Late

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.

'But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him for confession.'


Making Breakfast

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!

WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.

You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.

STROKE: Remember The 1st Three Steps

A friend sent this to us and encouraged us to post it and spread the word. We agree. If everyone can remember something this simple, we could save some folks. Seriously.. Please read: 


During a BBQ, a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00pm, Ingrid passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Ingrid would be with us today. Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead. 

It only takes a minute to read this... 

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough. 


Thank God for the sense to remember the "3" steps, STR . Read and Learn! 

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke. 

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions: 

S *Ask the individual to SMILE. 

T *Ask the person to TALK to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE 
(Coherently) (i.e. . . It is sunny out today) 

R *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS. 

{NOTE: Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out their tongue... if the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other that is also an indication of a stroke} 

If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call 9-1-1 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

Warning to Men on Beer!


Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer".

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Pass this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click below for Demo:


Test for Dementia

Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!!

First Question:  You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.

Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first one, OK ?

Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only..
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10 What is the total?

Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....


Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

He just has to open his mouth and ask...


An Older Trucker Gets Pulled Over For Speeding...

Older Trucker: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Sir, you were speeding.

Older Trucker:   Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Trucker:  I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don 't have one?

Older Trucker:  Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer:  I see...Can I see your vehicle registration and papers please.

Older Trucker:  I can't do that.

Officer:  Why not?

Older Trucker:  I stole this truck.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Trucker:  Yes, and I killed and hacked up the driver.

Officer: You what?

Older Trucker:  His body parts are in plastic bags in the back trailer if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the trucker and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the truck. A senior officer slowly approaches the truck, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2:  Sir, could you step out of your truck please! The trucker steps out.

Older Trucker:   Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2:: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this truck and murdered the driver.

Older Trucker:  Murdered the driver?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trailer, please.

The trucker opens the trailer, revealing nothing but an empty trailer.

Officer 2: Is this your truck, sir?

Older Trucker: Yes, here are the registration papers. 
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The old trucker takes out his license and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this truck, and that you murdered and hacked up the driver.

Older Trucker:  Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

Don't Mess With an Old Trucker!

Prevent Swine Flu - Good Advice

Received this today and thought it sounded like a worthwhile read--easy to accomplish and effective too.

Dr. Vinay Goyal is an MBBS,DRM,DNB (Intensivist and Thyroid specialist) having clinical experience of over 20 years. He has worked in institutions like Hinduja Hospital , Bombay Hospital , Saifee Hospital , Tata Memorial etc.. Presently, he is heading our Nuclear Medicine Department and Thyroid clinic at Riddhivinayak Cardiac and Critical Centre, Malad (W).

The following message given by him, I feel makes a lot of sense and is important for all to know.

The only portals of e ntry are the nostrils and mouth/throat. In a global epidemic of this nature, it's almost impossible to avoid coming into contact with H1N1 in spite of all precautions. Contact with H1N1 is not so much of a problem as proliferation is.

While you are still healthy and not showing any symptoms of H1N1 infection, in order to prevent proliferation, aggravation of symptoms and development of secondary infections, some very simple steps, not fully highlighted in most official communications, can be practiced (instead of focusing on how to stock N95 or Tamiflu):

1. Frequent hand-washing (well highlighted in all official communications).

2. "Hands-off-the- face" approach. Resist all temptations to touch any part of face (unless you want to eat, bathe or slap).

3. Gargle twice a day with warm salt water (use Listerine if you don't trust salt). *H1N1 takes 2-3 days after initial infection in the throat/ nasal cavity to proliferate and show characteristic symptoms. Simple gargling prevents proliferation. In a way, gargling with salt water has the same effect on a healthy individual that Tamiflu has on an infected one. Don't underestimate this simple, inexpensive and powerful preventative method.

4. Similar to 3 above, *clean your nostrils at least once every day with warm salt water. *Not everybody may be good at Jala Neti or Sutra Neti (very good Yoga asanas to clean nasal cavities), but *blowing the nose hard once a day and swabbing both nostrils with cotton buds dipped in warm salt water is very effective in bringing down viral population.

5. Boost your natural immunity with foods that are rich in Vitamin C (Amla and other citrus fruits). *If you have to supplement with Vitamin C tablets, make sure that it also has Zinc to boost absorption.

6. Drink as much of warm liquids (tea, coffee, etc) as you can. *Drinking warm liquids has the same effect as gargling, but in the reverse direction. They wash off proliferating viruses from the throat into the stomach where they cannot survive, proliferate or do any harm.

We suggest you pass this on to your family and friends.

Warning!!! - 809 Area Code

We actually received a call last week from the 809 area code. The woman said 'Hey, this is Karen . Sorry I missed you --get back to us quickly. I have something important to tell you.' Then she repeated a phone number beginning with 809. We didn't respond.

Then this week, we received the following e-mail:

Do Not DIAL AREA CODE 809, 284,AND 876


This one is being distributed all over the US . This is pretty scary, especially given the way they try to get 
you to call.  Be sure you read this and pass it on.

They get you to call by telling you that it is information about a family member who has been ill or to tell you someone has been arrested, died, or to let you know you have won a wonderful prize, etc.  In each case, you are tol d to call the 809 number right away. Since there are so many new area codes these days, people unknowingly return these calls.

If you call from the U.S. , you will apparently be charged $2425 per-minute.

Or, you'll get a long recorded message. The point is, they will try to keep you on the phone as long as possible to increase the charges.


The 809 area code is located in the Dominican Republic . The charges afterward can become a real nightmare. That's because you did actually make the call. If you complain, both your local phone company and your long distance carrier will not want to get involved and will most likely tell you that they are simply providing the billing for the foreign company. You'll end up dealing with a foreign company that argues they have done nothing wrong.

Please make your friends, family and colleagues aware of this scam.


5 Things Most of Us Never Knew Our Cell Phones Could Do

For all the folks with cell phones. (This should be printed and kept in your car, purse, and wallet. Good information to have with you.)

There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies.

Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:

FIRST - Emergency:  The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile network and there is an Emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to Establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly, this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.

SECOND: Have you locked your keys in the car?   Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone:

If you lock your keys In the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other 'remote' for you r car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk). 

Editor's Note : It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a cell phone!' 

THIRD - Hidden Battery Power:  Imagine your cell battery is very low. To activate, press the keys: *3370#.

Your cell phone will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell phone next time.

FOURTH: How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone? To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: *# 06#.  A 15-digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe.

When your phone gets stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.

And Finally....

FIFTH - Free Directory Service for Cells:  Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1. 75 or more for 
411 information calls when they don't have to. Most of us do not carry a telephone directory in our vehicle, which makes this situation even more of a problem. When you need to use the 411 information option, simply dial: (800) FREE411or (800) 373-3411 without incurring any charge at all. Program this into your cell phone now.

This is the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends.

Women Over 50 - By 60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 50

As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.  Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!

Bar Stool Economics

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten 
comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it 
would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. 
The fifth would pay $1. 
The sixth would pay $3. 
The seventh would pay $7. 
The eighth would pay $12. 
The ninth would pay $18. 
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every 
day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the 
owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers, he 
said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. Drinks 
for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the 
first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. 
But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they 
divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' 
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted 
that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would 
each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested 
that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same 
amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.!

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). 
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings). 
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings). 
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). 
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings). 
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued 
to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to 
compare their savings.

'I only got a dollar out of the $20,'declared the sixth man. He pointed 
to the tenth man,' but he got $10!'

'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, 
too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!'

'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back 
when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'

'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get 
anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat 
down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, 
they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money 
between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our 
tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most 
benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being 
wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might 
start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

Unknown Publisher

For those who understand, no explanation is needed. 
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

That's Only 53 Years Ago! Comments Made In The Year 1955:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous." 

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?" 

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store." 

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage." 

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls." 

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it. 

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas." 

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president." 

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now." 

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet." 

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work." 

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat." 

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people ?

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on." 

"There is no sense going to Vancouver anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood." 

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

Florida Court Sets Atheist Holiday

You must read this.......a proper decision by the courts..........for a change. 

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the Upcoming Easter and Passover days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the Ruling , "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.. Court is adjourned.

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

Daddy's Car In The Woods

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's' car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane In a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..'  At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the Playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'

Distinguished Trucker

An older, white haired distinguished trucker walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The trucker said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning 
ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old trucker seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the trucker stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old trucker. 'There's no money in that account.

'I know,' said the trucker, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

Know The Symptoms - Be Prepared 

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. 
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!! 

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - 
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder . 

This is how it manifests: 

I decide to water my garden. 
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, 
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. 

As I start toward the garage, 
I notice mail on the porch table that 
I brought up from the mail box earlier. 

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. 

I lay my car keys on the table, 
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, 
and notice that the can is full. 

So, I decide to put the bills back 
on the table and take out the garbage first. 

But then I think, 
since I'm going to be near the mailbox 
when I take out the garbage anyway, 
I may as well pay the bills first. 

I take my check book off the table, 
and see that there is only one check left. 

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, 
so I go inside the house to my desk where 
I find the can of soda I'd been drinking. 

I'm going to look for my checks, 
but first I need to push the soda aside 
so that I don't accidentally knock it over. 

The soda is getting warm, 
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. 

As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, 
a vase of flowers on the counter 
catches my eye - they need water. 

I put the soda on the counter and 
discover my reading glasses that 
I've been searching for all morning. 

I decide I better put them back on my desk, 
but first I'm going to water the flowers. 

I set the glasses back down on the counter, 
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. 
Someone left it on the kitchen table. 

I realize that tonight when we watch TV, 
I'll be looking for the remote, 
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, 
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, 
but first I'll water the flowers . 

I pour some water in the flowers, 
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. 

So, I set the remote back on the table, 
get some towels and wipe up the spill. 

Then, I head down the hall trying to 
remember what I was planning to do. 

At the end of the day: 
the car isn't washed 
the bills aren't paid 
there is a warm can of soda sitting on the counter 
the flowers don't have enough water , 
there is still only 1 check in my check book, 
I can't find the remote, 
I can't find my glasses, 
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. 
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, 
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, 
and I'm really tired. 

I realize this is a serious problem, 
and I'll try to get some help for it, 
but first I'll check my e-mail.... 

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

Men Never Listen

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'


Lock Your Doors From The Inside


This is very troubling what lengths people will go to steal what doesn't belong to them! I do almost 100% of the time lock my car on the door lock inside when I exit the car. Little did I know that is the best way to lock your car. Read on......

Beware folks. This is news you can use!!!


My oldest son came over yesterday- he had to go to Canada for work last week. One of the other engineer's traveling to Canada with him, but in his own car had something happen...that I need to share.

While traveling he stopped at the roadside park, similar to what we have here with bathrooms, vending machines etc. He came out to his car less than 4-5 minutes later and found someone had gotten into his car, and stolen his cell phone, laptop computer, gps navigator name it.

They called the police and since there were no signs of his car being broke into- the police told him that there is a device that robbers are using now to clone your security code when you lock your doors on your car using your key-chain locking device. They set a distance away and watch for their next victim. Since they know you are going inside of the store, restaurant, or bathroom and have a few minutes to steal and run. The police office be sure to manually lock your car door-by hitting the lock button inside the car, that way if there is someone setting in a parking lot watching for their next victim it will not be you.

When you hit the lock button on your car upon does not send the security code, but if you walk away and use the door lock on your key chain- it sends the code thru the airwaves where it can be stolen.

I just wanted to let you know about is something totally new to us...and this is just happened this past Thursday June 19th to his co-worker...

so be aware of this and please pass this note on...look how many times we all lock our doors with our keys...just to be sure we remembered to lock them....and bingo the guys have our code...and whatever was in the car... can be gone.

I just wanted everyone I know to hear this from me.

I never knew about anything like this...

and do not want this to happen to anyone I know ..if we can educate each other on bad things happening.

Keep safe everyone!

Truckers Having Lunch

Several truckers are having lunch at a truck stop. A cell phone on a bench rings and a trucker engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

TRUCKER: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you with your friends?"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
TRUCKER: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
TRUCKER: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
TRUCKER: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....
The house we wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $950,000."
TRUCKER: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
TRUCKER: "Bye, I love you, too."

The trucker hangs up. The other truckers are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Does anyone know who this cell phone belongs to?"

Warm Water After Your Meal To Help Prevent Heart Attack

This is a very good article. Not only about the warm water after your meal, but about Heart Attacks.

The Chinese and Japanese drink hot tea with their meals, not cold water, maybe it is time we adopt their drinking habit while eating.

For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you. It is nice to have a cup of cold drink after a meal. However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed. It will slow down the digestion.

Once this 'sludge' reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine.

Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.

Common Symptoms Of Heart Attack...

A serious note about heart attacks - You should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting. Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line.

You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack. Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms.

60% of people who have a heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let's be careful and be aware. The more we know, the better chance we could survive.

A cardiologist says if everyone who reads this message passes it on to 10 people, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life. Read this & pass it to a friend. It could save a life.

Not  a Good Day For This Trucker

A Trucker driving with his wife is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Trucker: "What's the problem officer?"

Cop:  You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Trucker: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife:  "Oh Harry. You were going 80." (Trucker gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Trucker: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (Trucker gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."

Trucker: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Trucker: "Shut your mouth, woman!"

Cop: "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?"

Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

Made In the USA

When I think of the job situation in this country I can't help but think this helps in some small way.
I don't know how many households there are in the USA but if these were the only things we bought think of the impact....

This past weekend I was at Kroger. I needed 60 W light bulbs and Bounce dryer sheets. I was in the light bulb aisle and right next to the GE brand I normally buy was an off brand labeled "Everyday Value" I picked up both types of bulbs and compared the stats - they were the same except for the price. The GE bulbs were more money than the Everyday Value brand but the thing that surprised me the most was the fact that GE was made in MEXICO and the Everyday Value brand was made in - get ready for this - the USA.

So throw out the myth that you cannot find products you use every day that are made right here - from a company in Cleveland OH!

So on to another aisle - Bounce Dryer Sheets....yep you guessed it Bounce was more money and made in Canada , the Everyday Value brand was less money and MADE IN THE USA ! I did laundry yesterday and the dryer sheets performed just like the Bounce Free I have been using for years and at almost half the price!

So my challenge to you is to start reading the labels when you shop for everyday things and see what you can find that is made in the USA - the job you save may be your own or your neighbors!

If you accept the challenge, pass this message on to others so we can all start buying American, one light bulb at a time :o)!

Besides you might save a little green in the process. Help our fellow Americans keep their jobs and create more jobs here.

By Unknown Author

A Trucker Visits The Zoo And The Media is There - This Just About Says It All!

A trucker is visiting the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The trucker runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the trucker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the trucker, says:  "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

Why, it was nothing said the trucker, really, the lion was behind bars.  I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.

I noticed a patch on your jacket said the journalist. Yeah I am a member of trucking club the trucker replies.

Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow papers will have this in first page.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the trucker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:


This sounds about normal for the press.